Governor Sees his Shadow: Six More Weeks of Yelling at Public Employees

by: joeynovick

Thu Feb 02, 2012 at 10:48:26 AM EST

It's Groundhog Day, again in Trenton. And this year is no different as the news media eagerly awaited whether Governor Chris Christie would see his shadow, as he emerged from the State House. 

"This is a very exciting time of year. The Occupy Trenton folks have made it through a cold winter. The State Street lobbyists are in full bloom,"'observed Jeff Tittel, Executive Director or the Sierra Club. "It is a very clear day right now, and we should be able to see the Governor emerging from his meetings very soon." 

Then the special announcement came, as Christie appeared on State Street, after an early morning meeting with his cabinet. 

"At 8:45am, on February 2nd, 2012, Governor Christie emerged from the gold-domed Capitol building on State Street. And the Governor did see his shadow, and we will have six more weeks of his yelling at public employees." 

The governor did get started early this year,  by calling Assemblyman Reed Gusciora "numbnuts". "From the governor's early activity, we should have been able to predict the results for the next six weeks," added Tittel. 

New Jersey To Issue Its Own Currency? Springsteen And Sinatra To Appear On New Paper Money.

by: joeynovick

Sat Oct 29, 2011 at 12:35:50 PM EDT

"My personal favorite for the One Hundred Dollar bill is Joe Piscopo."

"Everyone agrees that Jerry Lewis (of Weehawken) or Lou Costello (of Paterson) should be on the One Dollar bill," said Assemblyman Michael Patrick Carroll, sponsor of bill A-1776. "And that either Frank Sinatra (of Hoboken) or Bruce Springsteen (of Long Branch) should be on the One Thousand Dollar bill."

Carroll is the main sponsor for legislation, A-1776, that would "...immediately initiate, create, fashion and grant authority to the state of New Jersey to print monetary paper currency to be valid for all debts public and private for the state  there in." The bill is cosponsored in the State Assembly  by fellow legislators Allison Littell McHose (NJ-24), Erik Peterson (NJ-23), and John DiMaio (NJ-23). The same legislation  is sponsored in the Senate by Senator Michael Doherty as S-117.

"The Obama administration has so devalued American currency, by its failed economic and fiscal policies, that this is the best a state can do," noted Carroll.

Under Article I Section 8 of the Federal Constitution, Congress has the authority to:

   "To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures; To provide for the Punishment of counterfeiting the Securities and current Coin of the United States."

One would think that this alone would deter Assemblyman Carroll,  --- however he claims that "Article I Section 8 merely refers to 'coin money', and not paper currency."

"In an originalist interpretation of the Constitution, as the Founding Fathers would have us interpret the document, there is no mention of 'paper money' -  just 'coin money' ", noted Carroll.

"Obviously, the intent of the Framers was to leave this to the Several States, under the 10th amendment--which says  'The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.' The Founding Fathers clearly had it in mind for states  to issue their own paper currency. It is only liberal activist courts that have subverted this Original Intent."

Additionally, under A-1776, "An  exploratory New Jersey Currency Commission shall be set up in the following manner: Two members shall be appointed from the general public  by the governor;  Two members shall be appointed by each house of the legislature; and the Seventh member shall be the Chief Justice of the New Jersey Supreme Court, unless he is a 'liberal', whereby the governor shall have the power to appoint his own additional nominee subject to the advice and consent of himself."

The New Jersey Currency Commission  shall have the power to decide which persons, living or dead, will appear the on the various denominations of the paper money.

"There are those liberals who have their favorites; Princeton is lobbying for Woodrow Wilson or Paul Robeson. My personal favorite for the One Hundred Dollar bill is Joe Piscopo. That 'I'm from Jersey' bit from 1980s SNL still cracks me up," finished Carroll.

New Jersey Plan to Make Money With Formula One Grand Prix: "Charge Tolls".

by: joeynovick

Fri Oct 28, 2011 at 04:56:11 PM EDT

"E-Z Pass is a remarkable toll collection technology that makes race car driving more convenient."

Governor Chris Christie announced this week that in 2013, there will be a Formula 1 Grand Prix race in New Jersey. The plan includes the cooperation of the mayors of Weehawken and West New York, two cities geographically involved in the circuit's layout.

However Mayors Richard F. Turner of Weehawken and Felix Roque of West New York, both had the same concern, "How does New Jersey make money on this?"

"Tolls. And the sale of E-Z Pass  to Formula One Grand Prix top drivers, of course. We have already received E-Z Pass  applications from Ferrari's Felipe Massa, and Mercedes GP star Michael Schumacher, as well as several other top drivers," added Christie.

"E-Z Pass is a remarkable toll collection technology that makes race car driving more convenient, and will help Formula One drivers save money through discount plans offered by many toll facilities. It will reduce traffic congestion for everyone in the race," noted New Jersey E-Z Pass Director Jorge Ramon Caceres.

Both Massa and Schumacher expressed concern that, "Having to stop every eight miles or so, and find change to pay a toll," might impede their ability to be competitive.

"New Jersey remains a leader in hosting all types of national and international sporting events," Governor Christie said, adding the Grand Prix of America to a list that includes last winter's NCAA tournament and the Super Bowl in 2014. "While some pure race drivers will opt out of E-Z Pass , it is there for those drivers who wish to take advantage of the time savings it provides."

World champion Sebastian Vettel, was equally impressed with the challenge of racing in New Jersey.

"It's interesting, a good challenge," said Vettel. "It's very dusty to start with, but the track seems like it will be a new type of challenge...especially the toll lanes that give a lot of options to all the drivers. 'Exact Change Only'. 'E-Z Pass  lanes Only'. 'Cash Only'. Toll-operators in case drivers need directions. We'll see a good race in 2013."

Placing a race in New Jersey, on a 10-year contract, "will be one of the best decisions you ever made." Gov. Christie also said he is interested in bringing NASCAR to the track.

Christie Comes Out of the Closet: "I am a Non-Candidate American."

by: joeynovick

Sun Oct 09, 2011 at 12:30:48 PM EDT

In what was sure to be a shock to Republicans everywhere, and a revelation not unlike Jim McGreevey's coming out of the closet a little over seven years ago, Christie revealed about himself what only close insiders knew up till now:

"I am not now, nor have I ever been a candidate for the GOP nomination for the presidency of the United States. I am a Non-Candidate American," announced Christie in front of a packed crowd this week at the state house in Trenton.

For months there had been rumors: His brother, Todd, quietly confirmed it.

"I'm sure that he's not going to run," Todd Christie said. "If he's lying to me, I'll be as stunned as I've ever been in my life."

However, amongst others  in New Jersey politics there were quiet whispers in the highest levels of the elite in the Republican Party.

Former Governor Tom Kean told the National Review Online that Christie is giving a presidential run "a lot of thought," saying, "I think the odds are a lot better now than they were a couple weeks ago."

His comments raised eyebrows in political circles because of the former governor's role as a political mentor to Christie. Kean has not returned phone calls.

All in all, there were secret meetings when he was the US attorney, the redacted helicopter travel records failing to show who he traveled with in those rides--all led those in the know to be aware of the governor's well kept "secret".

Now that the cat is out of the bag, will Christie resign as McGreevey did?

"No, this is who I am. You're stuck with me for the next two years, New Jersey," said Governor Christie.

Christie acknowledged that life might be tougher for him in the Republican Party now, but noted that,  

"Non-Candidate Americans have rights, just like anyone else. They can have the same jobs, send their kids to schools, even marry other Non-Candidate Americans. I stand for all the children in America who will grow up and some day may also wish to not run for President. That's freedom."

George Norcross Tonight - plus (bonus) snark

by: Rosi Efthim

Wed Oct 05, 2011 at 03:45:13 PM EDT

Here are the details for the event, open to the public.
Reception 6:30pm. Speech and Q & A 7:30pm.
Reservation suggested: Susan Cuccia at 609-896-5350 or scuccia@rider.edu.

New Jersey has had for years a strong North and South pole of Democratic bossism, but only in the last few months have most voters noticed. And only in the last months has Norcross' rampant opportunism and interest in education hit the wider radar screen, placing him in NJEA's sites, FWIW.

Tonight, education is Norcross' topic at Rebovich's free event, open to the public: Urban Education and the Leadership Needed to Make it Happen. Expect to hear a lot about charter schools.

If you're going and you're wondering what to ask in the Q & A following Norcross' talk, we just got an anonymous fakester press release heavy-heavy on the snark. It's just political satire. But, damn. It's good political satire. And it just might give you some ideas what to ask Mr. Norcross.  

NJ-3 District Congressman wants to know "Who Came to the US From China?"

by: joeynovick

Wed Sep 28, 2011 at 04:26:18 PM EDT

NJ-3 District Congressman wants to know "Who Came to the US From China?"

Congressman Jon Runyan (NJ-3) is launching an investigation of President Obama for refusing to "reveal who came from China" for a state visit.

"The only thing I heard from the White House was a question, 'Who came  from China?'. This administration needs to be more open with the American people regarding foreign affairs," said Runyan. "This is outrageous."

Last week, the Obama administration issued an update of the presidential schedule from last winter to Speaker of the House John Boehner, and he passed the information onto Runyan in a phone conversation. Here is the transcript, obtained under the federal Freedom of Information Act:

Runyan: Who came  from China?

Speaker Boehner: Hu from China.

Runyan: That's what I want to find out.

Speaker Boehner: That's what I said: Hu came from China.

Rep. Runyan: Are you the Speaker?

Speaker Boehner: Yes.

Rep. Runyan: And you don't know this Chinaman's name?

Christie Founded a He-Man Woman Haters Club Chapter in High School

by: joeynovick

Wed Sep 28, 2011 at 03:54:36 PM EDT

'Who gives a f#$k what 'X' equals anyway?', the young Christie yelled at his algebra teacher.

Chet Helmsley, 72, a retired UPS driver from Morristown, used the New Jersey Open Public Records Act to obtain the Livingston High School records of the young Chris Christie, who graduated about 1980.

What did Helmsly find out?

"His grades were OK, I guess. And he was a baseball player. And with his brother, he founded a chapter of the He-Man Woman Haters Club," noted Helmsley.

"I discovered that in the ninth and tenth grades he and his brother were founding members of the 'He-Man women Haters Club', modeled after the club of the same name from the Little Rascals episodes."

The He-Man Woman Haters Club was a featured club in two episodes of The Little Rascals, Hearts Are Thumps and Mail and Female, both 1937.

What's Your Excuse for Chris Christie?

by: Rosi Efthim

Wed Sep 28, 2011 at 02:31:09 PM EDT

Here are 9 Christie excuses via Huffington Post comedy. Can you top them?

1.  Watched Independence Day for first time. So wanted to be Bill Pullman in that movie.
2.  Finally learned Excel. Now I'm ready.
3.  I just realized the President of the United States doesn't have to live in New Jersey.
4.  After Herman Cain won the straw poll in Florida, I figured ANYONE can do it.
5.  It's the only way to find out who would play me on 'SNL'.
6.  I was trying to wait until this season of 'Jersey Shore' ended, but what the hell.
7.  Hoping a failed run for president will finally get me on 'Dancing With the Stars.'
8.  Have heard amazing things about the White House chef.
9.  Woke up today and realized 'I'm fucking Chris Christie.'

Okay, Blue Jersey - What are your excuses Chris Christie could use to rationalize a 2012 run?

Butterfly Overseas Held In Connection With The Causing Of Hurricane Irene

by: joeynovick

Sun Aug 28, 2011 at 07:59:14 PM EDT

"This butterfly caused billions of dollars of damage from North Carolina to Maine," reported Lt. Dan Briscoe of the US Homeland Security office in Washington. "It has been on the terrorist watch list for weeks."

InterPol and US Homeland Security were working hand in hand, tracking this butterfly since it evolved from egg to larva to pupa to an adult caterpillar late last month. Based on a theory put forth by MIT meteorologist Edward Lorenz, who said, "When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world it can cause a hurricane in another part of the world."

"This particular butterfly is a day-flying insect of the order Lepidoptera, and is diurnal---that is active during the day and sleeps at night. This butterfly also has brightly colored wings, and conspicuous, fluttering flight," alleged Briscoe.

In other hurricane related news, Governor Christie was criticized by reporters for making appearances on national news shows on CNN and Fox News before appearing in local New Jersey media to report on Hurricane Irene.

However, spokesman Michael Drewniak put that issue to rest by that reporting that "Governor Christie most certainly did appear on several local news stations ---- in Iowa and New Hampshire."
 

July 21, 2011: Rep. Runyan: "We should pay tribute to NASA for successfully faking the Moon landing

by: joeynovick

Thu Jul 21, 2011 at 09:36:59 AM EDT

 As the shuttle Atlantis ended its final voyage and an era in space came to a close, Congressman Jon Runyan (NJ-3), was somewhat tearful and poignant.

 "I clearly remember as a child watching the films of 'astronaut Neil Armstrong' walking on the Moon," said Rep. Runyan. "At this time, we should pay tribute to the fine NASA staff ---the men and women --- who so successfully faked that Moon landing in 1969, as well as the actor who played Armstrong in that film."

The last space shuttle flight rolled to a stop just before 6 a.m. on Thursday, closing an era of the nation's space program. "Mission complete, Houston," said Capt. Christopher J. Ferguson of the Navy, commander of the shuttle Atlantis for the last flight.

 NASA is counting on two commercial companies, the Space Exploration Technologies Corporation of Hawthorne, Calif., and the Orbital Sciences Corporation of Dulles, Va., to begin cargo flights next year. "It is about time space travel was privatized," added Runyan.

Runyan, as a member of the House Armed Services Committee Subcommittee on Tactical Air and Land Forces, had been highly critical of NASA. "Only if the government gets out of the way, and puts the space program in to the hands private enterprise can we achieve success."

Runyan made note that while NASA was able to fake a Moon landing, that "with privatization, the folks on Star Trek, have been able to achieve going to 'infinity and beyond', with 'warp speed'. That's what you get when you unleash American ingenuity, and get government out of the way."

The New Jersey Congressman also agreed that funding should be sought to preserve the film studio at the Kennedy Space Center where the Moon landing was filmed, "in case some day the government needs to fake a landing on Mars or Venus, or one of our other Moons."  

Congressman Leonard Lance Replaced With Evil Twin Right Wing Cousin "Cubby Lance"

by: joeynovick

Sun Jun 05, 2011 at 10:14:58 AM EDT

Washington, DC: It has been determined through carefully DNA screening, that moderate Republican Leonard Lance, has been replaced by his Right Wing/Tea Party evil twin cousin, "Cubby Lance". This is from a source deep inside the Lance Congressional office, who needs to remain anonymous, and is known only by the name 'State Street'.

"Meet Leonard, who's been in NJ everywhere,
From Trenton town to Hamilton Square.
But Cubby's only sees the sights.
A guy can see from Extreme Right --
What a crazy pair!", offered 'State Street'.

The Star-Ledger first broke the story at the end of May, (Tom Moran's "The Curious Transformation of N.J. Congressman Leonard Lance"), but did not reveal the reason why Lance seemed to 'transform'.

Where former State Senator Lance was pro-choice,  Congressman "Cubby" Lance has voted to de-fund Planned Parenthood; where former State Senator Lance was a solid supporter of senior citizens and Medicare, Congressman "Cubby" Lance has voted with Paul Ryan to destroy Medicare.

"But they're cousins,
Identical cousins all the way.
One pair of matching bookends,
Different as night and day," continued 'State Street'.  

"Where Leonard always votes for pro-choice,
Supports Medicare, and has a moderate voice;
But Cubby votes with his Right-wing Chair
loves the Tea Party, against health care;
What a crazy pair!" shared 'State Street'.  

"You can lose your mind,
When cousins are two of a kind."

There was no immediate comment from the Republican National Committee, or from New Jersey Republican Chairman Samual S. Raia as to when the real Leonard Lance would return to Congress.  

Rep. Jon Runyan beats "Toaster Oven" in Jeopardy! Challenge

by: joeynovick

Tue Mar 01, 2011 at 01:17:08 PM EST

Republican New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan was the sole competitor to beat  the Sanyo SK-7W Toaster Oven (nicknamed "Toasty") in a mock Capitol Hill exhibition of "Jeopardy!" Monday night, beating out House Speaker John Boehner, Rep. Michelle Bachman (R.-MN), and Eric Cantor (R.-VA.), and Kevin McCarthy (CA-22). Cantor and Bachman scored no points at all: Cantor could not figure out how to use the buzzer system and Bachman looked into the wrong camera throughout the Jeopardy! Challenge.

more wit and snark below the fold

Gov. Christie to hold "Turn Back The Clock!" Counter-Rally with Republican electeds

by: joeynovick

Tue Feb 22, 2011 at 09:05:52 AM EST

As Charles Wowkanech, New Jersey State AFL-CIO President, joins a furious clan of Wisconsin workers who will travel to Trenton this Friday who say the time is now to rally for collective bargaining rights, Gov. Christie will hold a counter rally on the Statehouse steps with Wisconsin Republican Governor Scott Walker.

Christie and Walker will be joined by dozens of other Republican elected officials from around the nation at their "Turn Back The Clock!" Rally. "The time is not 'Now'; the time is 'Then'. It is time to turn back the clocks," asserted Walker in a media release.

more snark below

State Senator Girgenti sued for Patent Infringement of US Pat. No. 4,022,227: 'The Comb Over'

by: joeynovick

Sun Feb 13, 2011 at 11:11:12 PM EST

According to the suit filed in the United States District Court for the District of New Jersey, the Smith brothers own a patent for "a method of styling hair to cover partial baldness using only the hair on a person's head. The hair styling requires dividing a person's hair into three sections and carefully folding one section over another," - also known as "the comb over."

United States Patent No. 4,022,227 was issued to the Smiths in 1977.

The suit claims "Girgenti willfully and knowingly infringed upon [the Smith's patent] and has caused the rightful owners irreparable financial harm."

The Smiths have asked the court for "an injunction to prevent the continuation of the use of [their patent]" and have also asked the court for "an award of damages because of the alleged patent infringement." The "willful" infringement of a patent enables the plaintiff to collect treble damages, as well as attorneys' fees.

Girgenti's district office had no official comment when contacted, but an anonymous source indicated that the "...suit had no merit, as the Senator has been combing his hair that way for more than twenty years...".

AP Newswire-Trenton-February 4, 2011: New census data show fastest growing: Facebook-Americans

by: joeynovick

Fri Feb 04, 2011 at 02:46:56 PM EST

New Jersey's population grew more racially and online-virtually diverse over the past decade and continued its shift to southern counties, according to new data released today by the Census Bureau.

The numbers from the 2010 Census provide a detailed portrait of the state's ongoing demographic changes, including population counts for all 21 counties, 566 municipalities.

Among the findings:

• Hispanics are now the dominant minority group in New Jersey after decades of sustained growth.

• However, the number of New Jerseyans who identified themselves as "FaceBook-Americans" rose 39 percent to roughly 1.5 million.

• Twitter-Americans were counted for the first time in 2010, and showed to be a growing virtual population at just under 3%.

• MySpace-Americans, once a dominant group in 2000, have dwindled down to .02% of the virtual population.

The Census information will be used almost immediately to redraw legislative districts in time for the November elections.

A man who identified as "BobinPJs" tweeted that the "rdstrictng plns in NJ n stp trtng us like r dnt exst."

The white population continued to decline in New Jersey, falling 1 percent to about 6.03 million. This is the second consecutive decade the proportion of white residents has fallen in New Jersey, which New Jersey State Tea Party chair Donald Bardus Swartz, of Teaneck immediately "blamed on the Jews."

In other news, Congressman Jon Ryan expressed concern that the new census data may cause New Jersey to lose several state legislative seats: "...now we have 40 state senators. This decrease in population due to having less people may cause that number to be 38 or even 35 by the time we're all done."

New Jersey News Shocker: Christie To Perform Super Bowl Halftime Show

by: joeynovick

Tue Feb 01, 2011 at 04:21:55 PM EST

He will be the first contemporary act since the Janet Jackson-Justin Timberlake craziness of 2004,

Priebus, who is from Wisconsin and a Green Bay Packers fan, indicated that special precautions were being taken to make sure that a similar "wardrobe malfunction" did not take place during the governor's appearance.

...That could get really ugly,

The last six performers -- Paul McCartney, the Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, and the Who -- all had decades of hits with appeal for viewers of all ages.

The Garden State Governor has no such track record, but remains a reliable bet:

He has become a YouTube sensation, yelling at NJEA teachers and stumping for Republican candidates across the nation,

...in the early days of the Super Bowl, the NFL had such reliable and legendary entertainers as Carol Channing in 1970 and 72; and Up with People in 1976. We feel going back to good family wholesome entertainment, is what families want to see at the Super Bowl,

The exact production of the governor's performance was still unknown at press time but Goodell assured fans that

they would see the governor at his best.

The University of Texas Marching Band will be playing the role of 'union teachers' in a big musical finale, where the governor yells at all of them all at once...there's also gonna be several feet of machine made snow, during which the governor flies off to Florida,

Super Bowl XLV will take place at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas.

A Message To Gov. Christie From Joey Novick

by: joeynovick

Sun Jan 23, 2011 at 08:31:29 AM EST

Runyan launching an investigation of Obama for refusing to "reveal who is coming from China".

by: joeynovick

Tue Jan 18, 2011 at 09:39:04 AM EST

Janaury 18th, 2011: NJ 3rd District Congressman wants to know "Who's Coming to the US From China?"

Congressman Jon Runyan is launching an investigation of the Obama Administration for refusing to "reveal who is coming from China" for a state visit this week.

"The only thing I heard from the White House was a question, 'Who is coming from China?'. This administration needs to be more open with the American people regarding foreign affairs," said newly elected Congressman. "This is outrageous."

Last week, the Obama administration issued an update of the presidential schedule to newly elected Speaker of the House John Boehner, and he passed the information onto Runyan in a phone conversation. We obtained the transcript:

Speaker Boehner: Hu is coming from China.

Rep. Runyan: That's what I want to find out.

Speaker Boehner: That's what I said: Hu is coming from China.

Rep. Runyan: Are you the Speaker?

Speaker Boehner: Yes.

Rep. Runyan: And you don't know this Chinaman's name?

Speaker Boehner: Well, I should.

Rep. Runyan: Well, then who's coming from China?

Speaker Boehner: Yes.

Rep. Runyan: I mean the fellow's name.

Speaker Boehner: Hu.

Rep. Runyan: The guy coming from China.

Speaker Boehner: Hu.

Rep. Runyan: The Chinese guy having dinner with Obama.

Speaker Boehner: Hu.

Rep. Runyan: The guy eating in the White House...

Speaker Boehner: Hu is having dinner with Obama!

Rep. Runyan: I'm asking YOU who's having dinner with Obama

Speaker Boehner: That's the man's name.

Rep. Runyan: That's who's name?

Speaker Boehner: Yes.

Rep. Runyan: Well go ahead and tell me.

Speaker Boehner: That's it.

Rep. Runyan: That's who?

Speaker Boehner: Yes.

PAUSE

Rep. Runyan: Does THIS guy have a birth certificate?

Speaker Boehner: I should think so.

Rep. Runyan: Who's having dinner with Obama?

Speaker Boehner: That's right.

Rep. Runyan: What's the Chinese guy's name on his birth certificate?

Speaker Boehner: No, Watt is the name of the Secretary of the Interior under Reagan.

Rep. Runyan: I'm not asking who served under Reagan.

Speaker Boehner: Hu never served under Reagan! I am telling you, Hu is the president of China!

Rep. Runyan: Look, All I'm trying to find out is the Chinese guy's name.

Speaker Boehner: Hu! Hu is the president of China! Hu is eating with Obama!

Rep. Runyan: Who is the president of China? Who is eating with Obama?

Speaker Boehner: That is the first intelligent thing you have said.

Rep. Runyan: I don't even know what I am talking about! If this guy leaves China, he leaves someone else in charge.

Speaker Boehner: I should say he does. A prime minister.

Rep. Runyan: Can tell me the name of the Chinese prime minister?

Speaker Boehner: Do want the name of the Chinese prime minister? Wen.

Rep. Runyan: You can tell me now.

Speaker Boehner: I will tell you: Wen.

Rep. Runyan: You'll tell me when?

Speaker Boehner: I just told you, Wen.

Rep. Runyan: Look, all I wanna know is who is the Chinese prime minister?

Speaker Boehner: No, Hu is having a state dinner with Obama.

Rep. Runyan: The dinner is for who?

Speaker Boehner: Right. Now you've got it!

Rep. Runyan: I don't even know what I am talking about! And this is taking too long.

Speaker Boehner: What did you say?.

Rep. Runyan: Long! Too long!

Speaker Boehner: Loong? Loong's the leader of Singapore! He's not coming to dinner!

Governor's plan to help Gannett Layoffs: "Create less news...a government about 'nothing'."

by: joeynovick

Thu Jan 13, 2011 at 12:16:37 AM EST

The Gannett Company, owners of the largest newspaper chain in the nation, announced staff layoffs in three daily New Jersey newspapers.  The Gannett Company includes the Courier News in Somerville, the Home News Tribune of East Brunswick and the Daily Record in Morris County.  Ninety-nine staffers at the papers will have to apply for 53 remaining positions which amounts to the elimination of approximately half the editorial staff. Gannett  has sought assistance from the Math Department at Rutgers to determine exactly "what percentage of 99 is 53."

The Gannett Company, seeking assistance from the governor's office and the people of New Jersey, issued a request through the New Jersey Business Action Center for the governor to issue an Executive Order requiring "elected officials around the state to do less, maintain a lower rate of activity by at least 50%, and do 'less with less'."

The mayor of a small central New Jersey town, who wish to remain anonymous, said, "For years they've been asking us to do more with less; for a while we had to do less with more; and now they're asking us to do less with less-it's all getting very confusing."

"If we can count on cooperation of New Jersey's state senators, assemblyman, mayors, and locally elected officials to create less news by doing less in their communities, we can ride the wave of this recession by using fewer reporters to report the less news created," said George H. White, Executive Director of the New Jersey Press Association.

Both Gov. Christie and Senate President Steve Sweeney were ready to do their part: "... I am ready to do less about the financial problems facing New Jersey small towns and create less news," said the governor in a statement issued by spokesman Michael Drewniak.

"I am also ready to continue abstaining on important issues coming before the state Senate in order to create less news," said Senate President Sweeney. "Working together we can do less and less, so as to help the New Jersey newspaper industry to survive this recession."

In other news, JWoww of MTV's "Jersey Shore" (real name Jenni Farley) filed an Order To Show Cause in court in a bid to stop her former lover and manager from cashing in on nude pictures he had taken of her.

"I'd hate for such photos to destroy my pristine image," said JWoww.  

And now we enter Earth Two--a parallel universe where Christie is the CEO of a major corporation

by: joeynovick

Wed Jan 05, 2011 at 12:30:26 PM EST

The Republicans always say that we should be running government more like a business. A business, they say should be run as a for-profit enterprise answerable to investors whose only goal is to make money. Where every dime and every dollar is accounted for, and all employees and management are held to the highest standards of accountability and responsibility and credibility.

And so we travel to Earth Two---a parallel universe where Chris Christie is the CEO of a major corporation--NJ Industries--a company whose principal place of business is located in a small Northeastern state just off the Atlantic, and who has factories and offices all over the state employing thousands of workers.

(Just for my own amusement, Earth Two is very much like Earth One with a couple of minor exceptions: number one-Al Gore was elected President of the United States in the year 2000 and just completed his second term at the end of 2008; the Yankees went on to beat the Boston Red Sox in four straight games in 2004 and then went on to win the World Series that year; and from 1968 to 1974 I played small forward for the New York Knicks, coming off the bench to substitute for Bill Bradley periodically. Oh, also I taught Phil Jackson all he knows about basketball those years. But I digress...).

As it turns out CEO Chris Christie of NJ Industries decided to take a vacation with his family to DisneyWorld--while a snow blizzard crisis was taking place that closed all the NJ Industries around the state, putting thousands of workers out of work. Additionally, the Deputy-CEO Kim Guadagno arranged to be out of the country with her family in Mexico--approved by CEO Christie.

After Christie returned from DisneyWorld, he was called before the NJ Industries Board of Directors, led by Board President Steve Sweeney who was left in charge of NJ Industries during Christie's vacation.

Board President Sweeney: " Sir, why didn't you return to help deal with the blizzard crisis at NJ Industries once you knew about it?"

CEO Christie:  "I would have been doing the same thing here as I would have been there," Christie said, "I would have been in a room someplace. I would not have been out, like, driving a plow."*

Board President Sweeney:  "Sir, no one is suggesting that you should be out there plowing the snow yourself...but what about all the factory workers who couldn't get to their jobs...".

CEO Christie: "If someone is snowed into their house, that's not our responsibility, --- I know who they are and they should buck up and take responsibility for the fact that they didn't do their job."*

Board President Sweeney:  "Sir, you are the CEO of NJ Industries and you're elected for your leadership skills. You left me in charge and never even called me from Florida to let me know what was going on."

CEO Christie: "...You--Sweeney and I consulted on all of the significant decisions that needed to be made during the period of my time out of the state...we never once disagreed on what needed to be done."*

Board President Sweeney:  "I never spoke to you the entire time...you and I never spoke until you got back."

CEO Christie: "You can decide to be a showboat, hop on a plow and act like you're doing something or you can actually put leadership skills to work that put competent people with good character in important positions,".*

Board President Sweeney: "As CEO, don't you think you have a responsibility to our investors and employees?"

CEO Christie: "I know what my responsibility is. And I know my responsibility as a father. I wanted to be there with my kids... I had a great five days with my children. I promised that....my wife warned me to not 'even think about' canceling the trip."*

Board President Sweeney: "Any final thoughts on this issue, sir?"

CEO Christie: "All of the Monday morning quarterbacking and the harping and complaining should just take a breath".*

Board President Sweeney: "Thank you, sir. We will be meeting with the Board of Directors, and let you know if your actions in the crisis constitute a need to replace you permanently--- applying standard business principles in a capitalist society."

And CEO Christie on Earth Two signed a letter seeking money from the Federal Emergency Management Agency to help cover cleanup costs related to the storm---even though he opposed the bailouts from the federal government two other industries during the Earth Two recession.

* Governor Christie's actual answers  to questions posed by the press regarding his absence from New Jersey---on Earth One.