Anger at Mothman boils over

by: smells_like_the_onion

Fri Jan 06, 2012 at 06:38:21 PM EST

It seems like only last week since Flemocratic Congressman Maeve Mothman announced that he would not remain in his current residence and challenge IHOPer Congressman Slot Ferrett. In the space of seven days, however, tempers have reached the boiling point.

"My temper has reached the boiling point," said fellow Flemocratic Congressman Pill Rascell. "Who the hell does Mothman think he is, moving back to the city where he's lived for probably twenty years? Just because IHOPers redrew Congressional districts specifically to force him into a hopeless situation is no reason for him to throw a wrench into their plans to get rid of him. He should stay where he is, no matter what it does to his personal ambitions or plans. He should be happy to sacrifice his career so I do not have to worry about a primary challenge."

"My temper has reached the boiling point," said also-ran state Assembly candidate Ominous Stampede. "With absolutely no proof of any sort, I know that Mothman could beat Ferrett. I'm sure Mothman made his decision without consulting any sort of campaign professional, like professional pollsters, or voting analysts, or Girl Scout cookie sales professionals. He makes me sad to be a Flemocrat, because he will not foolish kill his career with a knee-jerk decision to stay and fight out a hopeless race in the state's most conservative district."

New Map pits Mothman against Ferret

by: smells_like_the_onion

Mon Dec 26, 2011 at 09:48:02 AM EST

"I remember reading about a guy who was sodomized by an elephant," said Flemocratic Congressman Maeve Mothman. "That's kind of how I feel, but without the lubricant. Or the soft cuddly feelings when its over."

Reburplican Congressman Slot Ferret, however, was gleeful.

"I'm gleeful," said Ferret. "Usually I oppose governmental meddling in the lives of people, but this is different. This benefits me, and is therefore okay. I look forward to kicking Mothman out on his ear and promptly ignoring the constituents he babied by what he calls 'representing their interests.'"

Famed activist Mosi F-them was unable to comment for this story. A spokesperson said she was busy trying to find out why she had been deposited in a hand-basket and why it was getting so warm...

Governor baffled by Port Authority move

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sat Aug 13, 2011 at 11:14:22 AM EDT

"I am completely ignorant," he said at a press conference. "I was very busy campaigning in Iowa and could not be bothered to keep tabs on every little thing going on in the state that elected me. It is my responsibility, as an attention-hungry professional political toadie, to make sure that all of the Republicans running for President know that I would be willing to get on my knees for them and commit unmentionable unnatural acts to become part of their Administration. And that's what I was doing when I was told the Port Authority wanted to raise tolls."

Ace reporter Maul Pulshine had a pointed question for the Governor.

"I have a pointed question for you, Governor," he said. "If you were truly conservative, wouldn't you actually enjoy screwing the little people? I mean, the people who pay those tolls are good, honest, working-people. That means that they will continue to vote for lower taxes just so you can hit them with increased fees and blame it on their inability to get ahead in a corporately-induced sham of capitalism. So shouldn't you actually be happy that the Port Authority is advancing your dream of impoverishing the middle class?"

Governor offers alternatives to toll hikes

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sat Aug 13, 2011 at 11:01:27 AM EDT

"I really don't care," he said as he ordered a double-think chocolate peanut-butter and marshmallow milkshake on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. "It isn't like real people are going to be affected. I, for instance, will continue to use my tax-funded EZ Pass or just fly over the Hudson River in my tax-funded helicopter. I suggest poor people who fear the toll hikes do the same."

Lt. Governor Slim Batguano, standing silently in the Governor's shadow, nodded enthusiastically and gazed on admiringly at the Governor's ability to speak in sound bites while wolfing down a corndog.

Prince Charlie apologizes

by: smells_like_the_onion

Tue Apr 19, 2011 at 09:20:57 AM EDT

"I'm shocked," he told reporters outside of his luxurious Canco Condo, paid for by funds earned through blogging. "Are you sure he wasn't trying to order more soup?"

Prince Charlie is the embattled superintendent of Mersey Bity schools. He previously "served" as a State Assemblyman, but was forced to return to the near-poverty status as superintendent, where the salary is a paltry five bazillion samolians. He has come under increasing scrutiny due largely to his own stupidity - which is becoming apparent after "turning around" Mersey Bity schools for nearly thirty years.

"It takes a lot of water to turn a big ship," Prince Charlie has explained. "Just like a fat lady displaces a lot of water in the public pool - which is why I suggest charging them more because we have to pay to replace that water, you know?"

IHOP: Time to de-incentivize poverty

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sun Apr 17, 2011 at 12:10:43 PM EDT

"This is where we begin taking America back from all those non-Americans who just happened to be born here," said Pee Potty favorite Heron Dangles. "It isn't like it's part of the Constitution to allow people to say whatever they want or to disagree with what Real Americans believe to be true, regardless of the facts. But you know! And if you slobs would have just gotten a second job and max out your donations, I could have won in Nevada. But you people are just as brainwashed as those Welfare Queens. You think you know what you believe, but believe me, when we are through telling you what to believe, you will believe that you will change your mind."

Long-time political commentarian Maul Pulshine was not impressed.

"I'm not impressed," he said. "I've heard better and more coherent political ideologies from grapefruit."

It isn't abusive if you use a bat

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sat Apr 16, 2011 at 10:03:51 AM EDT

"I'm holding this press conference to explain my comments towards State Senator Sea Hag...I mean, Woretta Leinberg," he said, with a haughty sniff at the scent of hamburger floating on the wind. "When I said, 'can you guys please take the bat out on her,' I was not advocating violence against a woman. I was advocating violence against old people.

"Honestly, I am gender blind - a genetic condition that resulted in a tragically confusing adolescence. Why sometimes I'd have sex with someone six or seven times before I discovered it was a Catholic priest and not a nun...the result was an eating disorder, because I have never confused a hamburger with broccoli.

"So some of you like to make fun of my fatness. But if you realized there is really a Skinny Myst in here trying to get out...you'd weep for me more than Argentina. Then you'd get off your sorry buts and whack on old person in the head with a baseball bat."

All the smelly gossip

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Mar 23, 2011 at 04:39:44 PM EDT

Anyway, I would like to start by-a apologize to Senator Lesniak. When-a I tell him, "God no like-a folk like you," it was because I mis-hear-a what he say. I was-a think he say, "Hi! I'm a gay lesbian!" But, no - he just tell-a me his name. So, I'm-a ver' sorry, Senator. So long as you keep you naughty parts away from-a similar looking naughty parts, you-a will be okay. You can-a even kill people and God will-a still love you if you not gay. You can even-a have incest and God love you if-a you not gay. You can-a kill someone while-a havin incest and God still love-a you if you not-a gay. God only hate-a the gay people. But God still let them in to decorate because, well, God-a not stupid. Who you-a think pick out the lovely drapes? Not-a Jesus, I tell-a you so much!

Governor fails Catholic voters

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Mar 23, 2011 at 04:09:38 PM EDT

"I announce that Governor Myst Mysty has lost the backing of the Catholic Church," he said. "And he is skating on thin ice leaning towards excommunication if he continues to fail in securing government subsidies for Catholic schools."

Lewis Carrol, the finance chairman of the Catholic diocese, agreed.

"I agree," he said. "We cannot impoverish the public schools alone. If education is to become a valuable luxury that is only distributed according to God's will, as discerned through tithing records; then the Governor has to remember that his soul will burn in everlasting Hell if he forgets the reason we supported his election."

We name not to honor Obama...

by: smells_like_the_onion

Fri Mar 18, 2011 at 08:00:06 AM EDT

State Monitor Rod Bruceman announced today that the Barack H. Obama elementary school in Asbury Park would be closed permanently.

"The school will be closed permanently," he said. "It's a run down piece of crap that should probably have been named after Ronald Reagan because it looks like whoever was in charge of maintenance had Alzheimers."

Area residents expressed shock and outrage.

"I'm shocked and outraged," said Ian A. Biggot. "Whose idea was it to name an elementary school after the Secret Muslim Man?"

Gay Mafia takes on UOTALF

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sat Mar 12, 2011 at 07:58:38 PM EST

The rumor mill in Trentonia is swirling in the wake of two powerful statements of non-support from powerful gay rights activists towards the powerful Union of Teachifying and Learnification Folks. Teachifying and Learnification professionals are saying that they are now unable to get decent haircuts and service at their favorite restaurants is suddenly horrible.

Lay Jassiter, the uber-wired activist who knows-all, said the fears were overblown.

"The fears are overblown," said the powerful activist. "There is no such a thing as the gay mafia. I mean, yeah, some of us hang together and do the wake-and-bake thing. And we look fabulous doing it, obviously. But it isn't like we are planning a series of hit-and-run make-overs against members of the legislature."

Jassiter was interrupted by the appearance of Assemblyman Patrick Carrol Mikeals, wearing a dashing russet sarong with matching seven-inch stilletos. "I have no comment," the Assemblyman said, his eyes widening fearfully at Jassiter's powerful menacing presence. "I just feel violated. But pretty. Do you think I get these shoes in judicial black?"

That's GOVERNOR Now-you-see-me-now-you-don't

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Mar 09, 2011 at 11:01:42 PM EST

"Not me," quoth the Governor. "I've done everything I can to destroy every public service provided by the government. I've tried to destroy the schools. I've underfunded the public pensions. I even throw marbles out the window when my driver goes down the Turnpike. I mean - look - you can talk about cutting back or you can just get out the pitchfork and ram it up someone's backside. And I'm the Rammer-in-Chief."

Flemocrat Grand Vizier Whizzy McWhizzerton believes the Governor is possibly insane.

"I believe the Governor is possibly insane," said Whizzerton as he jogged around his office. "The Governor is pathologically unable to accept responsibility for anything. I showed him a video we secretly filmed of him eating a booger, and you know what he said? He said, "That's not me. That's not my finger. I was licking ketchup off my fingernail." Can you believe that?"

We're Mediocre!

by: smells_like_the_onion

Mon Mar 07, 2011 at 07:28:38 PM EST

Leaders across the state responded to the news that New Jersey is right in the middle of the ranking of happiest states.

Governor Myst Mysty - "It's like I've always said, New Jerseyans would be happiest if all the freeloader public employs and greedy teachers earning a fraction of my net worth were to be put to death under a crushing load of pizza fries!"

Senate President Sweeve Steeney: "We used to be happier. But then we elected Bob's Big Boy as Governor and he has single-handedly destroyed everything that used to be wholesome and beautiful. Just the other day, I spotted the Governor putting needles in the eyes of blind children. No wonder we aren't happier!"

The Governor's New Year Message

by: Thurman Hart

Tue Dec 28, 2010 at 08:02:28 PM EST

HAPPY NEW YEAR SUCKERS!  FLORIDA IS GREAT!

IF YOU HATE THE SNOW, REMEMBER IT IS THE FAULT OF THE GREEDY PUBLIC EMPLOYEES' UNIONS. NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I SPEND MY OBAMA TAX CUT.

"I do brakes! I make change! I give crotch punch!"

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Aug 11, 2010 at 01:03:05 PM EDT

"It all started when I saw my father trash-talk the unions in Detroit. Even losing his job didn't stop the trash. He didn't wait for the unions to help him - he went right to the unemployment office. Then he ran a bootleg bicycle repair shop in the garage for cash only (so as not to have to pay taxes on it or screw up his benefits). That's how I learned to do things myself...like trash someone's bicycle if they don't pay up on time."

Bunyan says that sort of work ethic is ingrained in his nature.

"Family Planning" equals "Emasculation"

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Aug 04, 2010 at 09:22:08 PM EDT

"I'm just not impressed," the Governor said, munching happily away on a meatball sub. "And I'm never going to give a dime to this 'family planning B-S. I can explain it in once simple word: V-A-G-I-N-A. If you have one, I think you should pay for your own healthcare - or have the common sense to marry a man who will do it for you."

The Governor bristled when it was suggested that his veto had anything to do with abortion.

"That makes me bristle," he said, taking a big gulp of his Big Gulp. "But while we're at it, I'm totally against abortion. You know why? Because statistics show that most abortions are performed on white women in their twenties - and I have daughters. If they are irresponsible enough to flop on their backs; then they deserve to be stuck with a kid for the rest of their lives. That's why God made babies come from inside a woman...to punish her for being a whore."

Gov. Mysty hates New Jersey

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sun Aug 01, 2010 at 03:44:21 PM EDT

"Look," Governor Mysty said confrontationally, "I'm big and fat and I've worked non-stop since November. So I'm taking a vacation. Now hand me that meatball sub before I take a bite out of your ass."

Intrepid Reporter stood his ground, and wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions.

"Governor, I'm here to ask the tough questions," I.R. was heard to say. "So I'm going to stand my ground and ask - is this about spending time with your kids or promoting yourself?"

"Man, you got some kind of thin skin," the Governor said. "You know what else has a thin skin? Genoa salami. I love that sh-t. I put it on everything. Better than hot sauce. You just haven't lived until you had one of my Aunt Gertrude's double-chocolate fudge and salami pancakes. Bigger than your grandma's ass and twice as tasty."

Former Governor Borezine weighed in: "Well, when you're Governor, you have a lot of time to do stuff - like tasting things that should never go in your mouth...."

Protecting the Sanctity of...Sidewalks?

by: Scott Weingart

Thu Nov 20, 2008 at 12:46:07 PM EST

A group of students opposed to the recently-passed California marriage amendment (Proposition 8) gathered outside of Firestone Library at 9:30 this morning to launch a day-long protest in support of their own Prop 8, an initiative to ban Freshmen from sidewalks in order to "restore the definition of sidewalk accessibility to what the vast majority of Princeton students already believe it should mean and what Princetonians agree should be supported, not undermined." The protest's organizers explain their demonstration on the group's Facebook page:

We believe that California's Proposition 8 is illegal and immoral. The use of a state-wide referendum to limit the rights of a minority group is the very sort of action the that the constitution ought to defend against. We hope to point out the danger and absurdity of that proposition by advocating for our own "Princeton Proposition 8" which will 'ban freshmen from walking on campus sidewalks.' We hope to parallel the language and actions of the real Prop 8 as much as possible, as we believe the injustice speaks for itself and needs no exaggeration. We will be careful not to turn this into an attack on any particular group or organization, instead choosing to focus on the moral, legal, and logical reasons why Proposition 8 should be overturned.

The protest is scheduled to continue throughout the day today and again from 9:30 to 5:00 PM tomorrow. If you're in the Princeton area, stop by to show your support!

More photos below the fold.

Saturday Morning Funnies: How To Show You "Care"

by: huntsu

Sat Jun 28, 2008 at 10:10:48 AM EDT

P.S.  This is from The Onion.

Veepstakes comes to New Yersey

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed May 14, 2008 at 11:39:59 AM EDT

My sources are-a all abuzz today.  They are-a tell me that Senator Omama is-a gon announce that he pick a running mate today.  And, this is-a ver' important, it's-a not be a Catholic.  No.  Not even a Presbyterian.  No.  Not even a Christian at all.

Now, this might have be a big-a deal once upon a time.  Because, you know, America is-a Christian nation and-a all that.  But - after having the Left Hand of-a Satan as VP for-a eight years - a Jew not so bad.  That, by the way, is how-a the Pope refer to Dick Cheney, so don't send-a me hate mail.