Tag Archive: snark

New Jersey Plan to Make Money With Formula One Grand Prix: “Charge Tolls”.

Cross-posted at What Exit NJ?

“E-Z Pass is a remarkable toll collection technology that makes race car driving more convenient.”

Governor Chris Christie announced this week that in 2013, there will be a Formula 1 Grand Prix race in New Jersey. The plan includes the cooperation of the mayors of Weehawken and West New York, two cities geographically involved in the circuit’s layout.

However Mayors Richard F. Turner of Weehawken and Felix Roque of West New York, both had the same concern, “How does New Jersey make money on this?”

“Tolls. And the sale of E-Z Pass  to Formula One Grand Prix top drivers, of course. We have already received E-Z Pass  applications from Ferrari’s Felipe Massa, and Mercedes GP star Michael Schumacher, as well as several other top drivers,” added Christie.

“E-Z Pass is a remarkable toll collection technology that makes race car driving more convenient, and will help Formula One drivers save money through discount plans offered by many toll facilities. It will reduce traffic congestion for everyone in the race,” noted New Jersey E-Z Pass Director Jorge Ramon Caceres.

Both Massa and Schumacher expressed concern that, “Having to stop every eight miles or so, and find change to pay a toll,” might impede their ability to be competitive.

“New Jersey remains a leader in hosting all types of national and international sporting events,” Governor Christie said, adding the Grand Prix of America to a list that includes last winter’s NCAA tournament and the Super Bowl in 2014. “While some pure race drivers will opt out of E-Z Pass , it is there for those drivers who wish to take advantage of the time savings it provides.”

World champion Sebastian Vettel, was equally impressed with the challenge of racing in New Jersey.

“It’s interesting, a good challenge,” said Vettel. “It’s very dusty to start with, but the track seems like it will be a new type of challenge…especially the toll lanes that give a lot of options to all the drivers. ‘Exact Change Only’. ‘E-Z Pass  lanes Only’. ‘Cash Only’. Toll-operators in case drivers need directions. We’ll see a good race in 2013.”

Placing a race in New Jersey, on a 10-year contract, “will be one of the best decisions you ever made.” Gov. Christie also said he is interested in bringing NASCAR to the track.

Christie Comes Out of the Closet: “I am a Non-Candidate American.”

“I stand for all the children in America who will grow up and some day may wish to not run for President. That’s freedom.”

In what was sure to be a shock to Republicans everywhere, and a revelation not unlike Jim McGreevey’s coming out of the closet a little over seven years ago, Christie revealed about himself what only close insiders knew up till now:

“I am not now, nor have I ever been a candidate for the GOP nomination for the presidency of the United States. I am a Non-Candidate American,” announced Christie in front of a packed crowd this week at the state house in Trenton.

For months there had been rumors: His brother, Todd, quietly confirmed it.

“I’m sure that he’s not going to run,” Todd Christie said. “If he’s lying to me, I’ll be as stunned as I’ve ever been in my life.”

However, amongst others  in New Jersey politics there were quiet whispers in the highest levels of the elite in the Republican Party.

Former Governor Tom Kean told the National Review Online that Christie is giving a presidential run “a lot of thought,” saying, “I think the odds are a lot better now than they were a couple weeks ago.”

His comments raised eyebrows in political circles because of the former governor’s role as a political mentor to Christie. Kean has not returned phone calls.

All in all, there were secret meetings when he was the US attorney, the redacted helicopter travel records failing to show who he traveled with in those rides–all led those in the know to be aware of the governor’s well kept “secret”.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, will Christie resign as McGreevey did?

“No, this is who I am. You’re stuck with me for the next two years, New Jersey,” said Governor Christie.

Christie acknowledged that life might be tougher for him in the Republican Party now, but noted that,  

“Non-Candidate Americans have rights, just like anyone else. They can have the same jobs, send their kids to schools, even marry other Non-Candidate Americans. I stand for all the children in America who will grow up and some day may also wish to not run for President. That’s freedom.”

George Norcross Tonight – plus (bonus) snark

The South Jersey political boss who Chris Christie once called ‘criminal’ before he was able – ever so able – to make mutually satisfying use of him is giving a talk tonight at The Rebovich Institute for New Jersey Politics at Rider University.

Here are the details for the event, open to the public.

Reception 6:30pm. Speech and Q & A 7:30pm
.

Reservation suggested: Susan Cuccia at 609-896-5350 or scuccia@rider.edu.

New Jersey has had for years a strong North and South pole of Democratic bossism, but only in the last few months have most voters noticed. And only in the last months has Norcross’ rampant opportunism and interest in education hit the wider radar screen, placing him in NJEA’s sites, FWIW.

Tonight, education is Norcross’ topic at Rebovich’s free event, open to the public: Urban Education and the Leadership Needed to Make it Happen. Expect to hear a lot about charter schools.

If you’re going and you’re wondering what to ask in the Q & A following Norcross’ talk, we just got an anonymous fakester press release heavy-heavy on the snark. It’s just political satire. But, damn. It’s good political satire. And it just might give you some ideas what to ask Mr. Norcross.  

NJ-3 District Congressman wants to know “Who Came to the US From China?”

Cross-posted at What Exit NJ?

China mapNJ-3 District Congressman wants to know “Who Came to the US From China?”

Congressman Jon Runyan (NJ-3) is launching an investigation of President Obama for refusing to “reveal who came from China” for a state visit.

“The only thing I heard from the White House was a question, ‘Who came  from China?’. This administration needs to be more open with the American people regarding foreign affairs,” said Runyan. “This is outrageous.”

Last week, the Obama administration issued an update of the presidential schedule from last winter to Speaker of the House John Boehner, and he passed the information onto Runyan in a phone conversation. Here is the transcript, obtained under the federal Freedom of Information Act:

Runyan: Who came  from China?

Speaker Boehner: Hu from China.

Runyan: That’s what I want to find out.

Speaker Boehner: That’s what I said: Hu came from China.

Rep. Runyan: Are you the Speaker?

Speaker Boehner: Yes.

Rep. Runyan: And you don’t know this Chinaman’s name?

Christie Founded a He-Man Woman Haters Club Chapter in High School

Cross-posted at What Exit NJ?

he-man, chris christie‘Who gives a f#$k what ‘X’ equals anyway?’, the young Christie yelled at his algebra teacher.

Chet Helmsley, 72, a retired UPS driver from Morristown, used the New Jersey Open Public Records Act to obtain the Livingston High School records of the young Chris Christie, who graduated about 1980.

What did Helmsly find out?

“His grades were OK, I guess. And he was a baseball player. And with his brother, he founded a chapter of the He-Man Woman Haters Club,” noted Helmsley.

“I discovered that in the ninth and tenth grades he and his brother were founding members of the ‘He-Man women Haters Club’, modeled after the club of the same name from the Little Rascals episodes.”

The He-Man Woman Haters Club was a featured club in two episodes of The Little Rascals, Hearts Are Thumps and Mail and Female, both 1937.

What’s Your Excuse for Chris Christie?

Chris ChristieIf lip-reading Rick Perry is getting old, and looking at Crazy-Eyes Michele Bachmann is no less alarming than reading what Crazy-Eyes Michele Bachmann actually says, and you’re tired of watching the national press fall for Chris Christie’s shy-virgin act, here’s something you probably know better about than they – or anybody else in the national political press do – the excuses Christie could make for jumping into the 2012 presidential race.

Here are 9 Christie excuses via Huffington Post comedy. Can you top them?

1.  Watched Independence Day for first time. So wanted to be Bill Pullman in that movie.

2.  Finally learned Excel. Now I’m ready.

3.  I just realized the President of the United States doesn’t have to live in New Jersey.

4.  After Herman Cain won the straw poll in Florida, I figured ANYONE can do it.

5.  It’s the only way to find out who would play me on ‘SNL’.

6.  I was trying to wait until this season of ‘Jersey Shore’ ended, but what the hell.

7.  Hoping a failed run for president will finally get me on ‘Dancing With the Stars.’

8.  Have heard amazing things about the White House chef.

9.  Woke up today and realized ‘I’m fucking Chris Christie.’

Okay, Blue Jersey – What are your excuses Chris Christie could use to rationalize a 2012 run?

Butterfly Overseas Held In Connection With The Causing Of Hurricane Irene

An unidentified butterfly off the coast of Africa was being held in connection with being the cause of Hurricane Irene in the eastern United States. Late Friday evening, the butterfly had flapped its wings just west of Africa, possibly causing Hurricane Irene to be formed on the otherside of the world.

“This butterfly caused billions of dollars of damage from North Carolina to Maine,” reported Lt. Dan Briscoe of the US Homeland Security office in Washington. “It has been on the terrorist watch list for weeks.”

InterPol and US Homeland Security were working hand in hand, tracking this butterfly since it evolved from egg to larva to pupa to an adult caterpillar late last month. Based on a theory put forth by MIT meteorologist Edward Lorenz, who said, “When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world it can cause a hurricane in another part of the world.”

“This particular butterfly is a day-flying insect of the order Lepidoptera, and is diurnal—that is active during the day and sleeps at night. This butterfly also has brightly colored wings, and conspicuous, fluttering flight,” alleged Briscoe.

In other hurricane related news, Governor Christie was criticized by reporters for making appearances on national news shows on CNN and Fox News before appearing in local New Jersey media to report on Hurricane Irene.

However, spokesman Michael Drewniak put that issue to rest by that reporting that “Governor Christie most certainly did appear on several local news stations —- in Iowa and New Hampshire.”

 

July 21, 2011: Rep. Runyan: “We should pay tribute to NASA for successfully faking the Moon landing

July 21, 2011: Congressman Jon Runyan: “We should pay tribute to the fine NASA staff who so successfully faked the Moon landing.”

 As the shuttle Atlantis ended its final voyage and an era in space came to a close, Congressman Jon Runyan (NJ-3), was somewhat tearful and poignant.

 “I clearly remember as a child watching the films of ‘astronaut Neil Armstrong’ walking on the Moon,” said Rep. Runyan. “At this time, we should pay tribute to the fine NASA staff —the men and women — who so successfully faked that Moon landing in 1969, as well as the actor who played Armstrong in that film.”

The last space shuttle flight rolled to a stop just before 6 a.m. on Thursday, closing an era of the nation’s space program. “Mission complete, Houston,” said Capt. Christopher J. Ferguson of the Navy, commander of the shuttle Atlantis for the last flight.

 NASA is counting on two commercial companies, the Space Exploration Technologies Corporation of Hawthorne, Calif., and the Orbital Sciences Corporation of Dulles, Va., to begin cargo flights next year. “It is about time space travel was privatized,” added Runyan.

Runyan, as a member of the House Armed Services Committee Subcommittee on Tactical Air and Land Forces, had been highly critical of NASA. “Only if the government gets out of the way, and puts the space program in to the hands private enterprise can we achieve success.”

Runyan made note that while NASA was able to fake a Moon landing, that “with privatization, the folks on Star Trek, have been able to achieve going to ‘infinity and beyond’, with ‘warp speed’. That’s what you get when you unleash American ingenuity, and get government out of the way.”

The New Jersey Congressman also agreed that funding should be sought to preserve the film studio at the Kennedy Space Center where the Moon landing was filmed, “in case some day the government needs to fake a landing on Mars or Venus, or one of our other Moons.”  

Congressman Leonard Lance Replaced With Evil Twin Right Wing Cousin “Cubby Lance”

promoted by Rosi

Washington, DC: It has been determined through carefully DNA screening, that moderate Republican Leonard Lance, has been replaced by his Right Wing/Tea Party evil twin cousin, “Cubby Lance”. This is from a source deep inside the Lance Congressional office, who needs to remain anonymous, and is known only by the name ‘State Street’.

“Meet Leonard, who’s been in NJ everywhere,

From Trenton town to Hamilton Square.

But Cubby’s only sees the sights.

A guy can see from Extreme Right —

What a crazy pair!”, offered ‘State Street’.

The Star-Ledger first broke the story at the end of May, (Tom Moran’s “The Curious Transformation of N.J. Congressman Leonard Lance”), but did not reveal the reason why Lance seemed to ‘transform’.

Where former State Senator Lance was pro-choice,  Congressman “Cubby” Lance has voted to de-fund Planned Parenthood; where former State Senator Lance was a solid supporter of senior citizens and Medicare, Congressman “Cubby” Lance has voted with Paul Ryan to destroy Medicare.

“But they’re cousins,

Identical cousins all the way.

One pair of matching bookends,

Different as night and day,” continued ‘State Street’.  

“Where Leonard always votes for pro-choice,

Supports Medicare, and has a moderate voice;

But Cubby votes with his Right-wing Chair

loves the Tea Party, against health care;

What a crazy pair!” shared ‘State Street’.  

“You can lose your mind,

When cousins are two of a kind.”

There was no immediate comment from the Republican National Committee, or from New Jersey Republican Chairman Samual S. Raia as to when the real Leonard Lance would return to Congress.  

Rep. Jon Runyan beats “Toaster Oven” in Jeopardy! Challenge

Snark. The toaster oven denies the whole thing. – promoted by Rosi

Republican New Jersey Rep. Jon Runyan was the sole competitor to beat  the Sanyo SK-7W Toaster Oven (nicknamed “Toasty”) in a mock Capitol Hill exhibition of “Jeopardy!” Monday night, beating out House Speaker John Boehner, Rep. Michelle Bachman (R.-MN), and Eric Cantor (R.-VA.), and Kevin McCarthy (CA-22). Cantor and Bachman scored no points at all: Cantor could not figure out how to use the buzzer system and Bachman looked into the wrong camera throughout the Jeopardy! Challenge.

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