Tag Archive: snark

Will Chris Christie Sarah Palin himself to TV?

This afternoon, Mark Bonamo at Politicker has a tip from a source who says Gov. Chris Christie will stay in the 2016 White House race until the New Hampshire primary, then take a job in TV. Sarah Palin did something like that, leaving her duly-elected job (that she sucked at) to be a FOX News contributor and even a reality show.

Christie jumps to TV …So what would that look like?

Have You Heard About My Tough-Love Mama?

Christie interviews Heartland Republicans about the Wisdom of their Mothers. Catholic Television Network

It’s My Mendham – with Chris & Mary Pat

LIVE Q & A from the Mendham Starbucks. Each week, the Christies answer questions from new residents on how to hire a pool boy, equestrian wear and more. Local cable.

My Wingwoman

Hijinks and the high-life as a famous fictional governor, played by former Gov. Chris Christie travels the country on private planes to 5-star hotels. Along for the ride his favorite “aide,” played by former NJ Economic Development chief Michele Brown in her first publicly co-starring role. TV Land

Adventures in School Reform

Current affairs discussion. Live from a Undisclosed Location in Newark and under heavy security, where Christie reminds viewers each episode he was born, leading lights of the school reform movement brought from New York by limousine are interviewed. Topics range from counseling out autistics, how to rig student test scores, and the pros and cons of smart offshore investing. FOX News

So You Think You Can Govern?

Advice show with humorous edge. Each week 3 new mayors discuss problems their residents bring to them, and Gov. Christie tells them how to tell their constituents to go fuck themselves. FOX TV

Project Chris’s Way

Orange sweaters. Statement ties. Pin-striped suits. Fledgling designers compete for top prizes by designing menswear for the active average-sized American man. Sponsored by Londoners of Livingston. BRAVO

Political Apprentice

Spin-off from executive producer Donald Trump. NBC

Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Wealthy Republican voters & GOP governors seek advice from the former NJ Governor on how to teach the poor to lift themselves up by their own bootstraps. Subscription only

Wait, Wait, Sit Down and Shut Up

Premiere offering in NPR’s effort to expand their listenership to more conservative Americans. Host: Chris Christie. NPR

Batman

Spin-off of Gotham crime drama based on characters from the DC Comics Batman franchise. Christie plays Gotham City’s hard-nosed prosecutor. Not yet cast: Loretta Weinberg as Catwoman. FOX TV

Jersey Shore II

The return of MTV’s popular reality show updated to focus on the boisterous fun of the Garden State’s posh set. In the first episode, Mantaloking, Just Looking, , argument erupts over martinis about dunes, with guest star former Gov. Chris Christie playing himself, making the argument for high, well-built dunes to protect oceanfront properties. Richard Stender plays himself. Production delayed until federal investigation of NJ handling of Hurricane Sandy funds is resolved.

Anger Management II (Working Title: Fantasy Football)

Spin-off of popular Charlie Sheen series about a one-time minor league baseball player beset by anger issues. Here, it’s a football player in his first NFL year. Starring Nick Lachey as the troubled Charlie Badson, with Chris Christie as Coach, teaching him an explosive personality can be useful in the gridiron sport. FX

19 Indictments and Counting

Former Assemblyman and unsuccessful Democratic candidate for Governor John Wisniewski hosts this documentary series recreating the cover-up to the scandals that brought down former Gov. Chris Christie, now serving 4 years in federal prison. With John Goodman as Christie, Richard Schiff as David Wildstein, Amy Poehler as Bridget Kelly, Tina Fey as Dawn Zimmer, Alec Baldwin as Mark Sokolich, Glenn Close as Kim Guadagno, Ralph Fiennes as Michael Drewniak, Kathy Bates as Loretta Weinberg, James Cromwell as Wisniewski. And the late Vincent Gardenia as the “late” David Samson.

Screen Shot 2015-02-25 at 4.18.41 PM

This video announcing Chris Christie was made at your expense.

New Jersey taxpayers, pony up.

This grandiose video was produced at your expense to build DRAMA for Christie’s (actually short and detail-deficient) Budget Address, which mainly concerned a supposed deal on pension reform Christie bragged had been reached with NJEA, which denied it repeatedly during the speech to whoever asked. Make sure you know A VERY IMPORTANT MAN was at this podium today. Big, BIG doings.

And right after the speech? Christie got in the state chopper to fly away so he didn’t have to cross any crumbling New Jersey bridges.* Not that he mentioned the Transportation Trust Fund – – at all.

* No, not really. thwack-thwock-thwock. But you did pay for the video.

A Lesson in Constitutional Law

Heh. Promoted by Rosi

There has been a stealth revision of the United States Constitution, Article I, Section 2, Sentence 2. Some text has been added, and is shown below in italics.

No Person shall be a Representative who shall not have attained to the Age of twenty five Years, and been seven Years a Citizen of the United States, and who shall not, when elected, be an Inhabitant of that State in which he shall be chosen. In the First District of the State of New Jersey, No Person shall be a Representative who has not been anointed by George Norcross III.

President Christie’s Cabinet

Well, this is amusing. Promoted by Rosi.

Now that the world knows that Chris Christie appoints unqualified loyalists to key government positions, let’s speculate on how a President Christie Cabinet might shape up. Which of his cronies would he appoint to key cabinet positions? I’ll start. You can suggest alternatives.

  • State: Michael Patrick Carroll

  • Treasury: George Norcross III

  • Defense: Bill O’Reilly

  • Attorney General: Rob Andrews.

  • Interior: David Koch

  • Agriculture: Ed Forchion (Never gonna happen, but would be great in the job!)

  • Commerce: Haley Barbour

  • Labor: Steve Sweeney

  • Health & Human Services: John Tomicki

  • Housing & Urban Development: David Samson

  • Transportation: Bridget Kelly

  • Energy: Charles Koch

  • Education: Cami Anderson

  • Homeland Security: Todd Christie

  • UN Ambassador: Michael Drewniak

Newark Fireman Runs into City Hall To Help Pass Stalled Bill

In what is certain to be an astonishing turn of events, Ralph “Buddy” Simmons, a firefighter of the WEST WARD ENG. 11 / LADDER 11 -located at 345 SOUTH 9TH AVENUE ran into City Hall to help pass a stalled bill.

“I was walking past City Hall on Broad Street, when I heard cries for help coming from the second floor of the building. I ran into the building, without thinking or concern for my own safety,” said Simmons, a 12 year veteran of the Newark Fire Department.

At the time, the Newark Municipal Council members were arguing loudly over a “new ordinance that would impact something or other on the citizens of Newark… their quality of life… from all the yelling and screaming I heard, I know I didn’t have much time to help,” added Simmons.

Councilman Ras J. Baraka was yelling one thing, while Augusto Amador and Donald M. Payne, Jr. were shouting another, according to reports. Then there was chaos all over the Council room, as Simmons entered.

Simmons immediately took control, calming down the frenetic members of Council. He carried both council members Ron Rice Jr. and Mildred C. Crump, over his shoulders out onto Broad Street to safety.

City officials say he was fortunate.

“The outcome was positive but it was a very dangerous decision to make and likely not to be successful if you are untrained and unequipped,” noted city of Newark spokesperson, Julia Garza-Martinez. Simmons was treated for ‘verbosity inhalation’ at the University of Medicine and Dentistry.

Firefighter Simmons is being hailed as a hero for running into the City Hall building to save this Bill. But city officials say that such actions often end badly.

“Laws are like sausages – it is best not to see them being made,” laughed Garza-Martinez

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno “Giddy” and “Gleeful”

Acting Governor Kim Guadagno could hardly contain herself and was described as acting like a “pre-teen school girl meeting Zac Efron or Justin Bieber for the first time,” as she made several appointments to fill empty seats on state boards.

The state’s first Lt. Governor filled seats on the Governor’s Council on the Prevention of Developmental Disabilities, Middlesex County College Board of Trustees and the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“What do I do now?” asked Guadagno, as she giggled her way through signing off on the appointments (which had already been decided upon by Christie)  before he and his family left for Israel for five days.

Ms. Guadagno was somewhat unfamiliar with the authority of the Office of the Governor, having “never been given this much responsibly before,” noted one undisclosed State Street source.

A few days earlier, on Tuesday, Guadagno pressed the “power button” on what is expected to become one of the 10 most powerful academic supercomputers in the world at Rutgers University. The ceremony marked the opening of the Rutgers Discovery Informatics Institute (RDII), which will house the IBM supercomputer.

“This is just so super awesome-turning on a ‘super-duper’ computer!” giggled Guadagno. She even had her press staff  ‘update her Facebook page’ to reflect her daily activities as Acting Guv: “I’m the Guv this week! Neat-o keen!”.

The Lt. Governor was asked, “to tone down her enthusiasm” just a tad, while acting as governor, in Christie’s absence.

“I’m sorry-I just don’t get to do this ‘governor-thing’ too much. This is just so cool,” shrieked Guadagno. To her credit, she did take a more somber tone when appointing the members of the State Board of Mortuary Science.

“I used my ‘serious look’ during that appointment,” noted the Acting Governor, “since they work with ‘death’ and ‘dying’ and stuff.”

Christie Has Private Meeting with God To Compare Notes, Leadership Styles

In Exodus 3:14, “And God said unto Moses, I AM THAT I AM.”

Early last year, when questioned by reporters on his insulting and confrontational style, Chris Christie said, “But the fact of the matter is, This Is Who I Am!™, and this is who the people elected.”

Similar leadership style? Same personal points of view?

Christie is traveling in Israel, and the opportunity in a private meeting with Our Lord Thy God to “compare notes, leadership style, political points of view, and other various things that came up at the Wailing Wall.

Christie’s Israel visit could raise speculation that he is positioning himself for a future run, and his trip will be watched by Democrats and Republicans alike.

Israel is a popular stop for American politicians on the rise seeking to bolster their international credibility while also appealing to Jewish constituents.

Speaking to reporters after visiting the Western Wall, the holiest site where Jews can pray, located in the disputed Old City of Jerusalem, Christie played down any political significance of his trip, calling it a chance for him and his family to see the country.

“I came here for one reason and one reason only: to have a private meeting with The Big Guy Himself, and share leadership notes,” shared Christie. The governor said the two had a “really good and fruitful discussion” about regional issues, including Iran’s disputed nuclear program and expanding trade between Heaven and New Jersey. “He’s been around for like forever, and really knows His Stuff.”

Christie is traveling with his family and a delegation of 13 business and religious leaders. While in Israel, he plans to tour a pharmaceutical facility with an interest in expanding to the U.S., participate in a business round-table and visit a school.

“Oh, also Mary Pat and I will go to a great pizza place in Jerusalem on Jaffa Street, that Netanyahu told me has pizza as good as anything at the Jersey Shore.”

Never Fear, Gay Citizens: Ombuds-Man Will Protect Civil Unions In New Jersey!

Look up in the sky, everybody! Chris Christie was right! Ombuds-Man to the rescue! – promoted by Rosi

Faster than EZ Pass! More powerful than New Jersey Transit! Able to leap the Prudential Center in a single bound!

“Look up in the sky! It’s a Rainbow! It’s a Pink Triangle!” “No, it’s Ombuds-Man!”

It’s Ombuds-Man! By day, a mild-mannered reporter for PolitickerNJ. But when he hears the distressed call of a gay or lesbian couple in need, he dons his rainbow cape and purple mask. Ombuds-Man swishes off whereever there is civil union trouble.

Secretly, he gets his power from the glowing gold dome at the Statehouse in Trenton, and can never be further away from it than the distance to Bergen County in the north or Cape May in the south.

“I have been just as adamant that same-sex couples in a civil union deserve the very same rights and benefits enjoyed by married couples – as well as the strict enforcement of those rights and benefits,” Gov. Christie said. “Ombuds-Man should be able to ensure the state’s civil union law is being followed.”

“That’s good, because the real problem is that Gay couples don’t know how to be ‘married’ since they are civil-unioned…civil-unionized…civil-unionizationalized. Anyway, ‘Ombuds-Man’ is here to help Gay couples,” noted an unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

Ombuds-Man Helps a Gay Couple

Take ‘Richard’ and ‘Carl’ (not their real names): Recently, Ombuds-Man heard their cry for help. When he arrived in their suburban home, they were arguing like an ‘old-married couple’, but were doing it all wrong-because they’ve never been married.

Richard : “Carl always leaves his underwear on the floor.” Carl: “Richard never puts the cap back on the toothpaste.”

Ombuds-Man saved the day: “Carl, from now on, you go ‘commando’. Richard, you stop brushing your teeth altogether. Problem solved!”

Richard & Carl: “Thank you, Ombuds-Man! You’re the greatest! With Ombuds-Man, we’ll never need to get married. Who needs to get married when we have Ombuds-Man!!!”

“No, problem, Gay citizens.’ If your union is un-civil, just call Ombuds-Man, We’ll stop that drivel! Up, up and away! I hear the call of a lesbian couple in Hoboken!”

Only Weakness: Logic

“Ombuds-Man’s only weakness is ‘pure logic’. Thank goodness you’ll not find too much of that in Trenton,” explained the unnamed spokesman for the governor’s office.

“I am sure that African-American citizens in the South in the 1950s, would have wanted an ‘Ombuds-Man’ of their own—someone to ensure the strict enforcement of their rights and benefits to sit in the back of a bus, use ‘For Coloreds Only’ water fountains, and have ‘separate but equal’ schools,” added Gov. Christie.

Governor Sees his Shadow: Six More Weeks of Yelling at Public Employees

promoted by Rosi

It’s Groundhog Day, again in Trenton. And this year is no different as the news media eagerly awaited whether Governor Chris Christie would see his shadow, as he emerged from the State House. 

“This is a very exciting time of year. The Occupy Trenton folks have made it through a cold winter. The State Street lobbyists are in full bloom,”‘observed Jeff Tittel, Executive Director or the Sierra Club. “It is a very clear day right now, and we should be able to see the Governor emerging from his meetings very soon.” 

Then the special announcement came, as Christie appeared on State Street, after an early morning meeting with his cabinet. 

“At 8:45am, on February 2nd, 2012, Governor Christie emerged from the gold-domed Capitol building on State Street. And the Governor did see his shadow, and we will have six more weeks of his yelling at public employees.” 

The governor did get started early this year,  by calling Assemblyman Reed Gusciora “numbnuts”. “From the governor’s early activity, we should have been able to predict the results for the next six weeks,” added Tittel. 

New Jersey To Issue Its Own Currency? Springsteen And Sinatra To Appear On New Paper Money.

Cross-posted at What Exit NJ?

“My personal favorite for the One Hundred Dollar bill is Joe Piscopo.”

“Everyone agrees that Jerry Lewis (of Weehawken) or Lou Costello (of Paterson) should be on the One Dollar bill,” said Assemblyman Michael Patrick Carroll, sponsor of bill A-1776. “And that either Frank Sinatra (of Hoboken) or Bruce Springsteen (of Long Branch) should be on the One Thousand Dollar bill.”

Carroll is the main sponsor for legislation, A-1776, that would “…immediately initiate, create, fashion and grant authority to the state of New Jersey to print monetary paper currency to be valid for all debts public and private for the state  there in.” The bill is cosponsored in the State Assembly  by fellow legislators Allison Littell McHose (NJ-24), Erik Peterson (NJ-23), and John DiMaio (NJ-23). The same legislation  is sponsored in the Senate by Senator Michael Doherty as S-117.

“The Obama administration has so devalued American currency, by its failed economic and fiscal policies, that this is the best a state can do,” noted Carroll.

Under Article I Section 8 of the Federal Constitution, Congress has the authority to:

   “To coin Money, regulate the Value thereof, and of foreign Coin, and fix the Standard of Weights and Measures; To provide for the Punishment of counterfeiting the Securities and current Coin of the United States.”

One would think that this alone would deter Assemblyman Carroll,  — however he claims that “Article I Section 8 merely refers to ‘coin money’, and not paper currency.”

“In an originalist interpretation of the Constitution, as the Founding Fathers would have us interpret the document, there is no mention of ‘paper money’ –  just ‘coin money’ “, noted Carroll.

“Obviously, the intent of the Framers was to leave this to the Several States, under the 10th amendment–which says  ‘The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.’ The Founding Fathers clearly had it in mind for states  to issue their own paper currency. It is only liberal activist courts that have subverted this Original Intent.”

Additionally, under A-1776, “An  exploratory New Jersey Currency Commission shall be set up in the following manner: Two members shall be appointed from the general public  by the governor;  Two members shall be appointed by each house of the legislature; and the Seventh member shall be the Chief Justice of the New Jersey Supreme Court, unless he is a ‘liberal’, whereby the governor shall have the power to appoint his own additional nominee subject to the advice and consent of himself.”

The New Jersey Currency Commission  shall have the power to decide which persons, living or dead, will appear the on the various denominations of the paper money.

“There are those liberals who have their favorites; Princeton is lobbying for Woodrow Wilson or Paul Robeson. My personal favorite for the One Hundred Dollar bill is Joe Piscopo. That ‘I’m from Jersey’ bit from 1980s SNL still cracks me up,” finished Carroll.