"Shore Wars" in Ocean County

by: ken bank

Tue Apr 15, 2008 at 09:57:28 PM EDT

A group calling themselves the Traditional Republican Organization of Ocean County (TROOC) has started a rebellion against the Regular Republican Organization, a.k.a. the Evil Empire, led by its imperial boss George "Darth" Gilmore. The rebels have allied themselves with U.S. Senate candidate Murray Sabrin who unsuccessfully sought the endorsement of the Regular Republicans and vowed to support a slate of candidates to challenge the chosen candidates of the Evil Empire.

Last Friday a group of rebels gathered at the courthouse in Toms River to hear from their spiritual leader "Master Murray" as well as candidates for Congress, Freeholder, and other county offices. In a scene eerily reminiscent of the beginning in the 1948 political thriller "All The Kings Men", imperial storm troopers in the guise of county sheriffs approached the rebels and demanded that they disperse. Wishing to avoid a confrontation, "Master Murray" withdrew his faithful followers to a safer locale nearby where they would not be threatened.

One of the rebel leaders proclaimed, "Ocean County is suffering with its pay-to-play lawyers and tax-spending increases. We need to bring back the Republican values of Reagan, Eisenhower and Lincoln." Great idea; Ronald Reagan raised payroll taxes and record deficits, Eisenhower couldn't decide until the last minute whether he should run for President as a Republican or Democrat, and Lincoln suspended habeas corpus while instituting compulsory military service.

With leadership like two-time loser "Master Murray" this rebellion should have as much success as a bucket brigade on the Titanic. "Darth" Gilmore will have his way as usual come election day, and the remnants become the political equivalent of Bantha fodder.

ken bank :: "Shore Wars" in Ocean County