New Jersey Empowers Drivers to Deal with Gridlock

by: smells_like_the_onion

Mon Dec 17, 2007 at 04:49:59 PM EST

State Senate President Prick Brodey snoozed peacefully in the wings as is the new tradition in Trenton when the Governor speaks.  But not all New Jersey politicians took this lying down (though, technically, Brodey was sitting in his chair).

"I'm not taking this lying down," said State Senator Cary Gardinale.  "I have guns and I'm not afraid to use them.  In fact, I insist that my dentist hold a gun to my head when he's drilling.  That way I don't pussy-foot around and take it like a man.  And that isn't some gay mafia reference, either!  So don't spin my words!  You know - gay mafia - the homee ohs asexuals." 

"Oh, dude!  I can't wait to get an uzi mounted between my high beams.  Cut me off again, muh-thuh!  Yeah, this is the way we change politics - everyone knows the Dumbumblicans are shitty drivers!"

Brandy-new State Senate Minority Leader Tommy-boy Kidkeane struck a more worried tone.

"I'll strike a more worried tone," he said.  "I worry that the people already sitting on death row will feel ripped off.  I mean, we promised to kill them.  It just doesn't seem right for us to change our mind now.  It would be like my Dad saying that he was going to beat me with barbed wire wrapped around a fence pole and then not doing it - and you know as well as I that Dad always carried through on his threats.  I mean, promises.  Look at the scars!  No, Daddy, I'm a good boy!  I didn't mean to break the window!  I'm a good boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Assemblyman O'Michael McPatrick Fitzcarrol watched Kidkeane disolve into hysterics and gave us his piece of mind.

"I'll be giving ye a wee piece o' me mind," he said.  "As sure as begorra tastes o' chicken, we'll be havin' a bit of a spree on rapin's ana killin's.  We shoudna be squeemishly aba whackin' off the guilty.  In God's onn book it be saein' Thou shalt stab the prick tha craps in ye bearn.  We canna goo agin God ana be pectin' ta live up ta good life."

When asked why he had adapted such a horrible Irish accent, Fitzcarrol stated, "Cuz Imma prow of me blood.  Begosh, I also be a lookin' sweet'r 'n' sheep gut stew in these Lucky Charm tights!"

Congressional Unrepresentative Snott Scare-it even phoned in a carefully crafted statement in support of those who would ignore the ban on the death penalty.

"I have carefully crafted this statement to provide legal distance between my self and those crazy fools that vote for me.  While I would never urge anyone to take the law into their own hands, I don't not support the vigalantes who wouldn't not shoot down a suspected perpetrator of a heinously considered crime.  If the State of New Jersey is too squeemly to murder those who are possibly guilty of some crime, including the one they may or may not have been duly convicted by a jury, then it is time for true patriots to not don't take up their musket and, not in purely metaphorical terms, to not don't kill those who look guilty before they can commit the crimes they are probably thinking of doing."

Moo Yersey deity Muan Jelli dismissed the protests as the deranged ramblings of sexually frustrated men.

"It is because their penises are tiny, like their brains," he said.  "In the South American land of my birthing, we have evolved beyond the death penalty.  Our strong-men governments merely "disappear" their enemies and their lifeless bodies was up on the beautiful seashore years later.  It is not the fault of the government if these trouble-makers refuse to grow the necessary gills for the breathing of the waters.  This is why I study the movement of the fishes in the water - because I am powerful enough that God mandates I must reproduce in many species!"

Resident Death Penalty Expert, Reptriation Tehano had this to say, "I have nothing to say.  This is a good thing."

Early reports indicate that highway shootings have increased 5 million percent since the governor signed the death penalty ban.  Already people are getting home on time - but it is still stupid to take Rt. 1 from Trenton to Newark.