Anger at Mothman boils over

by: smells_like_the_onion

Fri Jan 06, 2012 at 06:38:21 PM EST

It seems like only last week since Flemocratic Congressman Maeve Mothman announced that he would not remain in his current residence and challenge IHOPer Congressman Slot Ferrett. In the space of seven days, however, tempers have reached the boiling point.

"My temper has reached the boiling point," said fellow Flemocratic Congressman Pill Rascell. "Who the hell does Mothman think he is, moving back to the city where he's lived for probably twenty years? Just because IHOPers redrew Congressional districts specifically to force him into a hopeless situation is no reason for him to throw a wrench into their plans to get rid of him. He should stay where he is, no matter what it does to his personal ambitions or plans. He should be happy to sacrifice his career so I do not have to worry about a primary challenge."

"My temper has reached the boiling point," said also-ran state Assembly candidate Ominous Stampede. "With absolutely no proof of any sort, I know that Mothman could beat Ferrett. I'm sure Mothman made his decision without consulting any sort of campaign professional, like professional pollsters, or voting analysts, or Girl Scout cookie sales professionals. He makes me sad to be a Flemocrat, because he will not foolish kill his career with a knee-jerk decision to stay and fight out a hopeless race in the state's most conservative district."

"My temper is boiling over. Have you seen how Mothman dresses? Hello! There's a whole palette of colors, Mister Congressman, sir! I've seen dull drab accountants who know how to dress it up better than that!"

Congressman Ferrett, conversely, was nearly gleeful.

"I have two words," Ferrett said, rubbing his hands together as he watched a child starve silently. "Fresh meat. Whoever they run against me is going to roast like this child stuffed into a bar-b-q grill. What? If he is going to be a strong and productive American, he needs to be challenged to the point of death."

Mothman released a statement saying he had nothing to say on the matter, but that he mourn for any child eaten by Ferrett as a result of his decision.

Privately, "sources close to Mothman" say that it has nothing to do with politics.

"He really hates his neighbors," said Mothman's unnamed brother-in-law. "The guy who sits on his patio in his underwear listening to Lady Gaga is just SO annoying. Plus his neighbor on the other side of him has a cat. Everyone knows how horrifying that is."

Teff Jittel, Deity-for-Life of the environmental Very Large Hill Club, denied that cats are annoying.

"Only a mouth-foaming dog-lover would say such a thing," he muttered. "Cats are VERY enviro-friendly."

Mill Bullen, head of the state's Committee for Unionizers who Build Stuff and Such, said they would back Rascell. "It's makes no sense to change one's mind after they have looked at the incontrovertible facts," Bullen said. "So we are backing Rascell...otherwise we might lose contracts."

All sources say that Rascell is ready for a fight. "There's an aura of hate and elected politicians feed it," he said in a private conversation with Mothman's brother-in-law. "And I will use that aura to devour Mothman like a tasty hors d'ouerve, because he is a traitor to our party and he obviously hates America. He deserves to be spit on by every single person in the state."