Wedded, But Not Blissful

by: tazman2nj

Fri Oct 07, 2011 at 11:51:37 AM EDT

Yesterday, I married my partner of 24 years.  We had a small, intimate wedding in the judge's chamber in a court house located in downtown New York City.  It was a bright, sunny and warm day-a perfect day for a wedding.  My partner and I were so excited that this day had finally come-the day that we had dreamed of for a long time and never thought would become a reality.  Tears of joy filled our faces as the judge announced that we are a legally married couple.  I hugged my husband and kissed him, as our friends applauded and congratulated us.  

The Attorney General of New Jersey issued an opinion on February 16, 2007 shortly before New Jersey's civil union law became effective that states "same sex relationships from other jurisdictions that most closely approximate a New Jersey civil union-that is,  relationships that provide substantially all of the rights and benefits of marriage-will be treated as a civil union under our law."  So, even though we have a valid and legal marriage certificate, New Jersey does not give our marriage the same respect and recognition as a heterosexual couple, whose marriage performed in another state is recognized and accepted as legal in the state of New Jersey.  In the eyes of New Jersey, we are civil union partners.  

Chief Justice Deborah T. Poritz wrote in her dissent in the decision Lewis v. Harris:

"What we name things matters, language matters...Labels set people apart surely as physical separation on a bus or in school facilities...By excluding same-sex couples from civil marriage, the State declares that it is legitimate to differentiate between their commitments and the commitments of heterosexual couples. Ultimately the message is that what same-sex couples have is not as important or as significant as real marriage, that such lesser relationships cannot have the name of marriage."

I agree with the Chief Justice.  Since when do we label something one name in a state and something else once it crosses the state border?  Shouldn't something with the same rights and benefits have the same label in all states?  In New York, marriage is the label used for all couples regardless of gender.  Yet,  New Jersey labels our marriage a civil union simply because we are a same sex couple.

Being married yesterday and returning home to New Jersey left me with the feeling of winning and achieving our goal but getting a consolation prize.  Even with marriage, our relationship still cannot have the name of marriage.  True equality will continue to elude same-sex couples until New Jersey abolishes civil unions and legalizes same-sex marriage.

Disclosure:  The author is on the board of Garden State Equality.