Governor baffled by Port Authority move

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sat Aug 13, 2011 at 11:14:22 AM EDT

Governor Myst Misti admitted today that he was completely ignorant...of the Port Authority's decision to raise tolls.

"I am completely ignorant," he said at a press conference. "I was very busy campaigning in Iowa and could not be bothered to keep tabs on every little thing going on in the state that elected me. It is my responsibility, as an attention-hungry professional political toadie, to make sure that all of the Republicans running for President know that I would be willing to get on my knees for them and commit unmentionable unnatural acts to become part of their Administration. And that's what I was doing when I was told the Port Authority wanted to raise tolls."

Ace reporter Maul Pulshine had a pointed question for the Governor.

"I have a pointed question for you, Governor," he said. "If you were truly conservative, wouldn't you actually enjoy screwing the little people? I mean, the people who pay those tolls are good, honest, working-people. That means that they will continue to vote for lower taxes just so you can hit them with increased fees and blame it on their inability to get ahead in a corporately-induced sham of capitalism. So shouldn't you actually be happy that the Port Authority is advancing your dream of impoverishing the middle class?"

smells_like_the_onion :: Governor baffled by Port Authority move

The Governor visibly bristled.

"I'm bristling over here, somewhat visibly," he said. "You must have some kind of thin skin to ask a question like that. Or big brass balls to try and expose my secret plan to destroy the middle class. What happened to the days when reporters knew how to talk about the news and not invent it? Why didn't you ask Mon Borzine these kind of questions? Is it because you were scared of his beard?"

At a news conference later in the day, the Governor's communications chief explained what the Governor meant.

"I will explain what the Governor meant," said Drew Michaelniak. "He has no secret plan to destroy the middle class. It has never been secret. He was very clear that the his vision of a better New Jersey meant caging the poor in inner-cities where the wealthy would never have to look at them, except when they wanted to visit and toss them peanuts. Like going to the zoo or something."

Lt. Governor Slim Batguano could not be found at all for any kind of comment.