Governor offers alternatives to toll hikes

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sat Aug 13, 2011 at 11:01:27 AM EDT

Governor Myst Misti signaled today that he really doesn't care about pending Port Authority toll hikes.

"I really don't care," he said as he ordered a double-think chocolate peanut-butter and marshmallow milkshake on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. "It isn't like real people are going to be affected. I, for instance, will continue to use my tax-funded EZ Pass or just fly over the Hudson River in my tax-funded helicopter. I suggest poor people who fear the toll hikes do the same."

Lt. Governor Slim Batguano, standing silently in the Governor's shadow, nodded enthusiastically and gazed on admiringly at the Governor's ability to speak in sound bites while wolfing down a corndog.

smells_like_the_onion :: Governor offers alternatives to toll hikes

State Senate President Sween Stevey was confident of the Governor's ability to handle the problem.

"I'm confident of the Governor's ability to handle the problem," he said, staring defiantly at a passing storm cloud. "He's a personal friend of mine, and I am sure he will develop some corporate revenue enhancing legislation that I can ram through the Senate like an enema through a steel worker...and I should know what that's like."

Senator Stevey waved his middle finger enthusiastically at the cloud before adding, "And I would say that even if his boots weren't so yummy to lick."

The Port Authority has said that it needs to raise tolls to "remove whatever cash is left in a driver's pocket - but will leave passengers untouched. For now." because, "We have a lot of six figure salaries to pay for political appointees with little or nothing to do all day but calculate how much the people of New Jersey owe us for not doing a job."

Truck driver Sal Sorahemorhoida said the move could force him into bankruptcy.

"This could force me into bankruptcy," he said. "My corporate masters...I mean, customers...have declared that they will not pick up the cost. So it will mean money out of my pocket. And I don't have any money in my pocket."

To prove his point, Sal turned out his pocket to reveal a metal thimble and a slightly used condom.

Back at the boardwalk, Governor Misti was not impressed.

"I am not impressed," he said as he munched on some sort of fried batter-covered item. "The people of the state made me Governor and I'm here to make them regret it. So they should shut up and take it like a good little boy."

Lt. Governor Batguano again nodded enthusiastically and smiled at her boss's brilliance.