| About five hundred IHOPican Party activists accepted the offer of the Hermitage Foundation, a non-partisan hacktivist group, to pay for their attendance at the "Making Wealth Worth It" training in Trentonia this weekend.
"This is where we begin taking America back from all those non-Americans who just happened to be born here," said Pee Potty favorite Heron Dangles. "It isn't like it's part of the Constitution to allow people to say whatever they want or to disagree with what Real Americans believe to be true, regardless of the facts. But you know! And if you slobs would have just gotten a second job and max out your donations, I could have won in Nevada. But you people are just as brainwashed as those Welfare Queens. You think you know what you believe, but believe me, when we are through telling you what to believe, you will believe that you will change your mind."
Long-time political commentarian Maul Pulshine was not impressed.
"I'm not impressed," he said. "I've heard better and more coherent political ideologies from grapefruit." |
| "We all know that tax cuts pay for themselves," said Hermitage Fellow of Economics L. Ire Pantsonfire. "So, logically, if we eliminate taxes completely, we will have an infinite supply of money. Of course, the government still must not pay for anything, because that would be socialism. Instead, government would use its infinite cash supply to enact a negative income tax for billionaires, because billionaires often get discouraged and want to give away all of their money. There is NO INCENTIVE for being a billionaire. We HAVE to fix that, and fix it now!"
Participant Rich Guy agreed. "Yeah, I think I'd like to be a billionaire - but only if I can get a few tax breaks. I mean, who wants to have billions of dollars sitting around if you have to work for it? That isn't how George Washington did it, I tell you."
Reverend Greed E. Fascist spoke next on the spiritual benefits of unearned wealth. "Look, I'll boil this down. God is good. God is all-powerful. If God wanted the wealthy not to be wealthy, he'd take away their money. Instead, we see that wealthy people, in fact, have lots of money. That is proof that God loves them. Therefore it is an act of heresy for the government to tax the people that God loves. It's in the Bible! Look it up! You know what really killed Jesus? TAXES!"
IHOPican Chair The Man With No Name was ecstatic.
"I'm ecstatic," he said. "Once the brainwashing...I mean, 'training' is complete, we will have a new crop of activists to go out and work against their self-interest in order for the people I like to refer to as 'The Aristocracy' to be able to hold onto more money. And if the Aristocracy holds onto more money, they will create more low-paying jobs for the group of people I like to call 'the peasants.' It's all very simple, and it's the whole reason why we fought the American Revolution in the first place - to make sure the Aristocracy retained its hereditary powers and the poor remained powerless and mindless."
Liberal activist Lay Jassiter was appalled.
"I'm simply appalled," he said, his lip curled with disgust around his 'doobie.' "Look at the way they dress. If they're going to destroy the fabric of society, they should at least realize that it's spring! Hello, people! Earth tones are for fall!" |
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