Governor fails Catholic voters

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Mar 23, 2011 at 04:09:38 PM EDT

"I announce that Governor Myst Mysty has lost the backing of the Catholic Church," he said. "And he is skating on thin ice leaning towards excommunication if he continues to fail in securing government subsidies for Catholic schools."

Lewis Carrol, the finance chairman of the Catholic diocese, agreed.

"I agree," he said. "We cannot impoverish the public schools alone. If education is to become a valuable luxury that is only distributed according to God's will, as discerned through tithing records; then the Governor has to remember that his soul will burn in everlasting Hell if he forgets the reason we supported his election."

"They told us we had two more years to destroy public education!" he exclaimed, pounding his thumbs into his Blackberry. "I guess you can't trust a Catholic priest's calendar anymore than you can their 'don't touch the kiddies' policy."

The Governor was not available for comment.

Democratic State Chair Whizzer McWhizzington refused to speculate on the Governor's motives.

"I won't speculate on the Governor's motives," he said. "I refuse. However, it does make sense that the Governor would like to destroy public education in order to buy his way into Heaven. After all, there's no chance in Hell he'd even get a guided tour of the place on merit."

Democratic "Message Guru" Jerry Springer threw a chair at a random spectator and demanded a paternity test.