Gay Mafia takes on UOTALF

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sat Mar 12, 2011 at 07:58:38 PM EST

The rumor mill in Trentonia is swirling in the wake of two powerful statements of non-support from powerful gay rights activists towards the powerful Union of Teachifying and Learnification Folks. Teachifying and Learnification professionals are saying that they are now unable to get decent haircuts and service at their favorite restaurants is suddenly horrible.

Lay Jassiter, the uber-wired activist who knows-all, said the fears were overblown.

"The fears are overblown," said the powerful activist. "There is no such a thing as the gay mafia. I mean, yeah, some of us hang together and do the wake-and-bake thing. And we look fabulous doing it, obviously. But it isn't like we are planning a series of hit-and-run make-overs against members of the legislature."

Jassiter was interrupted by the appearance of Assemblyman Patrick Carrol Mikeals, wearing a dashing russet sarong with matching seven-inch stilletos. "I have no comment," the Assemblyman said, his eyes widening fearfully at Jassiter's powerful menacing presence. "I just feel violated. But pretty. Do you think I get these shoes in judicial black?"

"I back up Jassiter's denial," said the powerful social entrepreneur. "And I want to take this moment to deny the vicious rumor that I have somehow sold out to Governor Myst Mysty for a backstage pass to meet Barry Manilow. Yes, Barry is a lyrical god and a sexy beast in a speedo. But I would not abandon my life's work and spiritual calling to debase myself for a few seconds of smitten hand-shaking.

"Now, if he wants to whisk me away to Copacabana...well, I'm not exactly Lola material, but I can be packed in ten minutes!"

Teachifying and Learnification professionals seemed reluctant to speak openly about their oppression by the Gay Mafia.

"Look, they are real. They are out there. And they are pissed!" said a Learnificator from Brick on condition of anonymity. "But I'm not going to say anything. You know why? Because I love the theater! And as a heterosexual male, I need help at the store picking out clothes that work together! I can't afford to say anything bad about my homo homies."

State Senate candidate Geff Jardner was more diplomatic.

"I'll be more diplomatic," he said. "There is this close-knit community of people who are attracted to certain individuals and because of that they are subjected to special legal and social scrutiny. For self-protection and support, they have historically banded together. And now they have been sold down the proverbial river by some other group of professionals who now are under attack by the Governor and that group of professionals wants the other group of people to blindly support them even though they went out of their way to piss all over their new leather shoes.

"F--- them!"

When this Intrepid Reporter returned to his car, there was a note taped to the windshield that read:
"Don't mess with the gay mafia. PS - That tie doesn't go with that belt. Accessories, girlfriend!"