That's GOVERNOR Now-you-see-me-now-you-don't

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Mar 09, 2011 at 11:01:42 PM EST

"Not me," quoth the Governor. "I've done everything I can to destroy every public service provided by the government. I've tried to destroy the schools. I've underfunded the public pensions. I even throw marbles out the window when my driver goes down the Turnpike. I mean - look - you can talk about cutting back or you can just get out the pitchfork and ram it up someone's backside. And I'm the Rammer-in-Chief."

Flemocrat Grand Vizier Whizzy McWhizzerton believes the Governor is possibly insane.

"I believe the Governor is possibly insane," said Whizzerton as he jogged around his office. "The Governor is pathologically unable to accept responsibility for anything. I showed him a video we secretly filmed of him eating a booger, and you know what he said? He said, "That's not me. That's not my finger. I was licking ketchup off my fingernail." Can you believe that?"

"Let me be less complimentary," he said, casually curling a five hundred pound barbell in each hand. "The Governor is like a fat kid working at Dunkin Donuts. Product is disappearing daily and the customers are complaining that there just aren't as many donuts as there used to be. Meanwhile, profits are down and his waistline is up. But he didn't eat no stinkin' donuts! Right. And I voluntarily gave up my County Freeloader position because I'm so busy here in Trentonia. Pass me another Vitamin Beer."

Assembly Speaker Olivia Sheiler was nonplussed.

"I'm nonplussed," she said. "Look that up in a dictionary - oh wait, you can't because the Governor's irresponsibility forced every bookstore in the state to shut down as well as all the public libraries and even the public schools can't afford to buy a single dictionary. I guess I'll be diplomatic and put forth the idea that the honored Governor is, as we say back home, stuffed as full of canine feces as a Christmas goose. And, no, you do not want to eat the goose at Christmas."

The Governor offered a simple rebuttal.

"I'll offer a simple rebuttal," he said. "First, I'm rubber. They're glue. Whatever they say bounces off of me and sticks to them. Second, they're doody heads. Everyone knows this. Third, it isn't fair for people like my brother to have to make a living off of someone else's hard earned money, buy a house big enough to fit half of Essex County's homeless inside of, and then have to pay property taxes that are punishingly high just because he has an opulent home. What do they expect? He should live like a peasant? Trust me, I know him, and he is better than they are.

"So if the middle class have to pay higher taxes, that's just because God hates them for not being rich. It isn't my fault. Go blame the Flemocrats for being stupid enough to renominant one of the most unpopular politicians in modern history."

When reached at his "love-nest crash-pad" in Hoboken, former Governor BonBon Borzine was surprised.

"I'm surprised Turd Blossom, Jr. could string together that many words without pausing to eat a sandwich or something. Anyway, I tried to tell you people that he'd bust your balls. But would anyone even stand in line to get a free BonBon Signature Line Kevlar Jock? No. Now I have eight million of these things to get rid of. Only five bucks! Two for twelve dollars! They make dandy...uh, Easter presents!"