We're Mediocre!

by: smells_like_the_onion

Mon Mar 07, 2011 at 07:28:38 PM EST

Leaders across the state responded to the news that New Jersey is right in the middle of the ranking of happiest states.

Governor Myst Mysty - "It's like I've always said, New Jerseyans would be happiest if all the freeloader public employs and greedy teachers earning a fraction of my net worth were to be put to death under a crushing load of pizza fries!"

Senate President Sweeve Steeney: "We used to be happier. But then we elected Bob's Big Boy as Governor and he has single-handedly destroyed everything that used to be wholesome and beautiful. Just the other day, I spotted the Governor putting needles in the eyes of blind children. No wonder we aren't happier!"

Randomly selected public schoolteacher Richie Richington: "As long as I continue to get my salary of fifty million dollars per month and free benefits for everyone who I look at for more than eight seconds, I don't care where we rank. It's all for the kids."

IHOP Party Chief Sammy T. Bull: "I will personally kill anyone who is not happy with the current state of the state under our Messiah and my personal Savior Myst Mysty, whose body odor is the most beautiful scent of slain primary challengers and whose fatness is eclipsed only by his magnificent dangle-age."

Flemocrat Party Chief Whizzy Mc Whizzernator: "This is no surprise at all. The Middle Class can no longer afford the massive quantities of Prozac needed to deal with our Governor's irresponsible budgetary shenanigans."

Reddy F-Them: "I would answer, but I am so depressed that I feel merely mediocre. I wish someone would take me to DisneyWorld in the middle of a blizzard or something."