Parlo takes on Napoleon

by: smells_like_the_onion

Fri Dec 24, 2010 at 10:47:53 AM EST

"I'm hopping mad," Parlo said, explaining his rapid up-and-down motion. "Deform Yersey Now has been calling my conscrip...conscup...voters in my district and saying that I'm opposed to Governor Heavy McFatty's Box o' Tools. They are unfairly targeting me at Xmas. And they know that all of my spare time is currently being eaten up by my efforts to install a local party hack in the empty Assembly seat and trying to convince loyal Flemocrats that I have enough power to end their career should they decide to challenge me in a primary."

Former Windsomehurst Mayor Booey Stillato confirmed that Parlo had threatened to destroy his political career. "One day I'm sitting in my office at the funeral parlor and Parlo calls up on the phone threatening to make people leave the state to die if I challenge him. Then he started screaming something about 'righteous jihad' and 'Flemocratic infidels.' So I just hung up on him."

"Parlo needs to shut the hell up," he said. "I'll eat him like a donut drizzled with chocolate. Deform Yersey Now has a Constitutional right to flaunt the law and operate as a secret campaign arm of my office. As long as I only tell them what to do and don't actually do it myself, then there is no issue with transparency. Besides transparency is overrated, if you ask me."

The Governor became agitated when Intrepid Reporter pointed out that no one had asked about that particular issue.

"I'm becoming agitated," the Governor said. "Someone get a YouTube camera handy because I'm about to open up a quart of KickButt on this reporter. You must have skin thinner that my foreskin to challenge me like that. All you people want to do is run me down. Well guess what? I was elected by a large minority of people to serve their needs and I'm going to do whatever I damn well please. I don't care if I get a second term, but since my boy is going to be the one counting the votes, you better believe I'm going to be here for a long time. I may even pull a Bloomerburger and repeal term limits just so I can sit up here a little longer and pee all over you little people. And that's if I don't end up beating the colored guy for POTUS."

Flemocratic Chair Wizzer McGee was puzzled by the whole thing.

"Frankly," said Wizzer, "I'm puzzled by the whole thing. First of all, Parlo is about as safe as a criminal mastermind can be. Second, most Flemocrats believe they were elected to oppose the Governor and would welcome phone calls in their district telling their constituents that they are doing so. Third, Deform Yersey Now is not above the law, even if they are the Governor's lap dog. Fourth, I need some coffee."

Saintly State Senator Morletta Wineferg waxed philosophical.

"I'm waxing philosophical," she confessed. "Perhaps one day the Governor will man up enough to face a woman directly. I've offered to speak to him directly concerning any number of issues - I've even offered to bring the Dunkin' Donuts. But the Governor simply rattles on as if he is unaware that he is just a cog in the wheel of government. A big, fat wheel that screams a lot and accomplishes nothing. But a wheel nonetheless.

"And since I am the honorary Jewish Gramma of the State Senate, Parlo needs to calm down and remember his heart condition."