"Family Planning" equals "Emasculation"

by: smells_like_the_onion

Wed Aug 04, 2010 at 09:22:08 PM EDT

"I'm just not impressed," the Governor said, munching happily away on a meatball sub. "And I'm never going to give a dime to this 'family planning B-S. I can explain it in once simple word: V-A-G-I-N-A. If you have one, I think you should pay for your own healthcare - or have the common sense to marry a man who will do it for you."

The Governor bristled when it was suggested that his veto had anything to do with abortion.

"That makes me bristle," he said, taking a big gulp of his Big Gulp. "But while we're at it, I'm totally against abortion. You know why? Because statistics show that most abortions are performed on white women in their twenties - and I have daughters. If they are irresponsible enough to flop on their backs; then they deserve to be stuck with a kid for the rest of their lives. That's why God made babies come from inside a woman...to punish her for being a whore."

"Let me clarify the Governor's meaning," he said. "He thinks women are a wonderful gift of God to men, and so men should be in control of all aspects of a woman's life. She is basically like a cow or a dog or something - his to do with as he pleases. So allowing abortion services undermines the man's power-base within his own home, because a woman can whore around and get pregnant by someone else and never get caught."

"This is all about being responsible for your own behavior. And you can't be responsible if you don't get caught," the Governor broke in.

State Senate Minority Leader Dumb Spleen agreed with the Governor.

"I agree with the Governor," he said. "This 'family planning' stuff is really just code-talk for punishing men. Liberals hate men and think they should all carry little purses and wear skirts. They want to teach little boys to put the seat down after they pee and wash their hands. This is the first step towards socialism, you know. Hitler, you may recall, didn't put the seat down after he peed."

"This IHOPers really seem to know a lot about Hitler's personal life," State Senator Moretta Lineberg said. "It's something I'm just not interested in...and I learned to look before I sit many, many years ago. This is really about the desire to reduce women to chattel. And Governor Lard-butt is one to talk about responsibility - he can't actually come out and say he wants to enslave women, he hides behind the budget and says there just isn't enough money."

The Governor denied this allegation.

"I deny that allegation. I'm too fat to hide behind anything smaller than a Volkswagen.  And, anyway, I'm not afraid to say what I think - or to pull a 'Mel Gibson' if the old bird causes too many hassles."

"Being afraid of women is the first step towards socialism," Brownosiass agreed. "Hitler was afraid of women."

"I'm no Hitler," Mysty said, digging into a banana split. "And, anyway, we barely have enough money for me to give personal loans to people who work for me. Heck, I've had to reneg on probably a quarter of the patronage promises I made during the campaign. Any women who is reasonably healthy can wait a few years to get checked out. It isn't like anyone dies of cancer in four years."

"Yes," Brownosiass said. "We don't have enough money for women. That is what marriage is for."

Former activist and current highly paid sellout Mason Boinger got the last word:

"Let me have the last word," he said. "The IHOPers courage of their convictions last just far enough for their lips to touch the ass of Governor Mysty - and if you can sleep with that image in your mind, you're a better man than I am."