Gov. Mysty hates New Jersey

by: smells_like_the_onion

Sun Aug 01, 2010 at 03:44:21 PM EDT

New Jerseyans are finally learning how much their Governor hates them - and loves to promote himself.

"Look," Governor Mysty said confrontationally, "I'm big and fat and I've worked non-stop since November. So I'm taking a vacation. Now hand me that meatball sub before I take a bite out of your ass."

Intrepid Reporter stood his ground, and wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions.

"Governor, I'm here to ask the tough questions," I.R. was heard to say. "So I'm going to stand my ground and ask - is this about spending time with your kids or promoting yourself?"

"Man, you got some kind of thin skin," the Governor said. "You know what else has a thin skin? Genoa salami. I love that sh-t. I put it on everything. Better than hot sauce. You just haven't lived until you had one of my Aunt Gertrude's double-chocolate fudge and salami pancakes. Bigger than your grandma's ass and twice as tasty."

Former Governor Borezine weighed in: "Well, when you're Governor, you have a lot of time to do stuff - like tasting things that should never go in your mouth...."

smells_like_the_onion :: Gov. Mysty hates New Jersey

The Governor's spokesman Bicycle Brownosieass said the Governor intends to spend a week partying with The Situation and doing jello body-shots (lemon and cherry) off of Snooki's hooters and then he will take his boys to see baseball games in major media centers where he can fundraise for the IHOP Party.

"It never hurts for these major league a-holes to owe you favors. Especially when President Aslamalamadingdong is going to get booted in a few years. Plus I hear there are some really good meatball subs in ever major media center."

The comment seemed to come from Brownosieass, but it should be noted that Mysty had his hand up his assistant's backside - and was drinking a meatball sub slushie.

When asked if the Governor would be available, perhaps by email or satellite hookup, for comments in the event something important happens, the Governor simply laughed.

"Just Fed-Ex me a meatball sub and I'll consider it. Otherwise, I don't want to hear from this sh-thole state while I'm self-aggrandizing across the country...oh, and making my kids appear to love baseball. Anyway, email is only good for whining about people not talking to you. That's why my wife, Berry Fat, knows all about my true love - the beautiful Meatball Sub."

Lieutenant Governor Thin Batguano appeared to be taking things in stride.

"I'm taking things in stride," she said. "Big Boy wouldn't let me do anything important, so I'll probably just sit around and stare at the wall...kind of like I do now."

New sellout and Douchecrat mouthpiece Mason Boinger added this: "There is no need for the Douchecrats to respond because we are irrelevant and incompetent."