Governor Myst Mystie held a press conference today to explain his comments towards State Senator Woretta Leinberg today.
“I’m holding this press conference to explain my comments towards State Senator Sea Hag…I mean, Woretta Leinberg,” he said, with a haughty sniff at the scent of hamburger floating on the wind. “When I said, ‘can you guys please take the bat out on her,’ I was not advocating violence against a woman. I was advocating violence against old people.
“Honestly, I am gender blind – a genetic condition that resulted in a tragically confusing adolescence. Why sometimes I’d have sex with someone six or seven times before I discovered it was a Catholic priest and not a nun…the result was an eating disorder, because I have never confused a hamburger with broccoli.
“So some of you like to make fun of my fatness. But if you realized there is really a Skinny Myst in here trying to get out…you’d weep for me more than Argentina. Then you’d get off your sorry buts and whack on old person in the head with a baseball bat.”
Conservative columnist Maul Pulshine was not buying it.
“I’m not buying it,” he said, taking a few practice sings at the batting cage. “I mean, just like everyone I bashed a few old people back in the ’80s. But that was just for fun. Now I save my head-bashings for liberals. I love the way their heads make that squishy sound when their skulls implode. Plus, when I’m done, they start sounding a lot like Ronald Reagan, bless his holy name.”
Maeve Silverstein, the superbly dressed chairman of Garden State Equality, had no comment.
“I have no comment,” he said, furiously unwrapping his new “Barry Manilow: For My Fans, With Love” CD.” “Everyone knows our fantastic Governor doesn’t bully. And, anyway, this organization does not advocate for decrepit people – even fantastic ones like Senator Leinberg. Now let me get my Copacobana fix or someone is going to get hurt!”
IHOPican State Chairman The Man With No Name was furious.
“I am furious!” he said, sighting a picture of the Senator down the barrel of his antique buffalo gun. “The Governor was simply affirming what we all know to be true. Women are weak and inferior. Old people are weak and inferior, unless wealthy, white, and male. The Senator has doubled-down on inferior and should be eliminated. A bat to the head…buckshot to the rear-end…a well-placed BMW bumper to the hip…the method really doesn’t matter.
“On top of that, the only way the new Medicare program works is if old people die quickly…”
A. Busive-Wifebeater, a Honored Fellow at the Hermitage Foundation, a conservative think-tank, said it is all liberal whitewash of the natural order.
“It’s all liberal whitewash of the natural order,” he explained. “In the Bible, we are taught to ‘Honor Your Parents.’ In ancient Jewish culture, which is the only yardstick against which true Americans measure their behavior, it was actually considered an epic display of honor to bash in a parent’s head with a baseball bat. So it isn’t abusive if you use a baseball bat.
“And, no, the Ancient Jews did not invent baseball…it was ancient Hobokens. But they sort of looked Jewish when they went to the gym…you know what I mean.”