What A Situation: The Press Conference

     “He seems like he thinks he’s better than everyone else. He seems like he is out of touch with reality. I do not understand how he can honestly have such a warped reality. He says that everyone loves him and that he doesn’t care what people say. Like he says some really outrageous things.”

Having written too frequently about Governor Christie, let me turn my attention to another even better known luminary in the NJ firmament. The above character analysis by Nikki Raney is of Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, not from NJ but of Jersey Shore fame. One of his more inspirational quotes is “These are rules to live by, shave last minute, put your shirt on last minute, haircut the day-of, maybe some tanning and the gym.” So in the following interior monologue drama I will be quoting the powerful, wise, hot, Mike “The Situation” using an invaluable Internet repository of his critical sayings.

The Situation is about to hold a press conference, a routine event for a man of his importance. He gets ready to start by saying to himself, “Everybody loves The Situation, and if you don’t love The Situation, I’m gonna make you love The Situation” – an important confidence builder. He realizes, however, that he has recently made a serious mistake, so his initial approach is to accept the blame. “I’m sort of a softy sometimes. I’m a sensitive dude,” he says to himself. The Situation then begins to realize that the conference is not going well, and he decides, “You need to be on your tip-top game,” so he proceeds to blame every one he can think of.  As the press conference draws to an end he concludes: “I was thinkin’ heavy fire and I didn’t wear my bulletproof vest and I just don’t know if I’m gonna make it.” But he develops a plan: “When you go into battle, you need to have some friends with you, so that just in case a grenade gets thrown at you, one of your buddies takes it first.”  Feeling his problem is thus solved, his mind wanders to a pleasurable thought – “eating chocolate chip cookies every night.”

Or is his problem not solved? Tune in frequently to Blue Jersey to find out the fate of our protagonist. As he wisely says, “Yo, I mean, this situation is gonna be indescribable, you can’t even describe the situation that you’re about to get into with The Situation.”

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